Control: The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events

July 23rd, 2013

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
He gives me life! I will take that to the bank please & thank you.

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sick in my heart lately, to my stomach and even to my very core at times. Every part of me wants to run. Every piece of me feels like it is breaking apart. (Don't worry I am just describing my rollercoaster of emotions, don't sound the alarm and freak out I will explain later:)

I never thought dealing with the darkness in me would really confront me with me. I never thought looking at some of my flaws would reveal Gods truth and open opportunity to grow closer to Him.

Here's the truth. I am just like you, just as fearful, just as human. You cut me and I bleed. I am alive with a river of life flowing and beating through my veins, I am here on this earth for more then to just suck air. Sometimes more life then my own body and mind can keep up with. It might appear as if I have it all together, but what does that even mean?! Here is what I think it really means. It means I pretend, I fake my way through life not letting anyone really see me. It means I push people away when I should build relationship with them. It means I sit on the throne of my life and therefore end up replacing Christ with a self-centered, self-focused sort of pride and a self reliant mentality. Yikes!

Lately one of my battles is with confronting the things from my past. My memories and some things that have happened recently that have triggered having to walk through emotional trauma but not letting them become a part of my present or my future. Walking through these memories but with the reminder of truth at my side stating that I am not who I used to be and I am no longer defined by my past.

Uncut, unfiltered, blunt, and honest here it is.
This last week was a long week, physically (long work hours), spiritually, and emotionally speaking. I can look back on the week and say I did feel some victory in my life but I said I would be honest too. During this last week I helped emcee at one of my best friends bridal showers and helped with another friends wedding for 225 people. No skin off my back, no big deal from a practical perspective. From an emotional and spiritual one it was entirely different.

I am happy for my friends, I sincerely was blessed to be a part of their big day this past week. The topic of marriage can be a soft one for me at times seeing as I did not have a pleasant experience with the subject at hand. Here is where truth comes in and where my feelings and emotions in a moment may want to say something other then the very truth of God's redeeming word.

July 6th, 2008, 5 years ago this month I was married at the same location were my friends had their wedding. Some people may think so what no big deal, that was then and this is now and it was 5 years ago right? And hasn't God healed you, didn't He make all things new? Yes, yes He has and I am eternally grateful for this in my life. Here's the thing that we know from a knowledge prospective but can forget, the Devil is a lair and doesn't fight fair. How easily and quickly he will come in where I am weak and try and to whisper something that is not true (may even feel true) and try and mess with my emotions. I AM NOT CONTROLLED BY MY FEELINGS! As a great friend would tell me..."Tell him to go to Hell!" At times I lack the follow thru to fight. I sit in my pit when I know I should run and climb on out of it. Come on people I know I am not the only one here. How comfortable, how familiar to sit and moap instead of doing something about it. Man do I need a swift kick in my back side some days. Other days all I need in a hug.

Here is the other thing I have been starting to wrestle out with God....
More of a fun fact...I am a control freak. Anyone of my close friends would agree with this statement in a matter of fact kind of way. Not something I easily even admit as it means I have to not be so prideful and have to actually admit that I, said control freak, don't have control over my life. Oh the irony.

I plan, I measure out things in my life. I over think everything and analyze the silliest things. And as convenient and as much as I would like to excuse my poor habits and behavior by saying I had no control over my life growing up for so long...blah blah blah not good enough. Nope, no excuses, I Bernadette Miles am I major control freak in need of Jesus to take control.

Wow talk about not trusting! How the heck am I supposed to trust people, let alone God if I want everything laid out before me on my terms? I was talking recently to another close friend about corners, how God has gifted me with the ability to see things in other peoples lives. Sometimes I need to speak to these things and other times I need only keep my mouth shut, and pray in obedience to the Holy Spirit. Here's the funny thing (well more of a frustration to me) I can't see around some of the corners in my own life because God won't let me! I know it is because He wants to teach me and draw me closer to him. So as frustrating as it may be I need remind my flesh to sit down and not act like a 2 year old.

Did I mention that I have issues with control? (As a side thought I probably shouldn't continue to refer to myself as a control freak). I am not stating that I am dumb or spiritually blind in the common sense department when I say I can't see around some corners. What I am saying is that God doesn't give me what I want, He gives me what I need. I may feel like I need all the answers to my questions and I may feel like I don't need to wait on some things or be patient but that is not the case. What I need is to trust Him and allow him to gain control. Right now is when I have the opportunity to grow, to trust Him with every area of my life. To give up control, to give up trying to figure out everything and everyone. An't no body got time for dat! Let alone the grace to try and control every part of their life.

To some perhaps it seems like I am talking in circles. If not then let me assure you that you are not alone in how you may feel regarding giving up control over the things you know you should.

I have said and prayed it before but it is so worth repeating. I don't want what's easy, what's cheap & convenient. I want God, what's good, hard, difficult, great and everything else in between. All of Him for all of me. This looks like me letting Him deal with me. This looks like dealing with the darkness in me that would sooner attempt to consume and control me. Only in the last few months have I really realized some of the things I am talking about. I haven't been ready or willing to deal with them. I know it is not done yet and that the road I walk might look differently then I would like it to. I am a work in progress and need remind myself of that instead of becoming short tempered with my frustrations. Thank goodness God gives me what I need not what I want.

I can relate what I am attempting to describe as if there were 3 wars waging within me. It's like my left (critical thinking side) and right (creative side) brain are in conflict constantly and to make matters worse that my brain and my heart can't seem to just get along and figure things out. I guess this is when and where I step down and say I am not in control. I let God be God and submit to his covering in my life.

Rev. 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Ps. 47:8
God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne.

If you cut me would you feel it? Would it bleed deep or would you be standing there numb -JULY 5th

If you cut me would you feel it? Would it bleed deep or would you be standing there numb

So the question I have to ask is this:

Do I take the time to see people; like to really see them or do I act like they are invisible or don’t matter? In their brokenness with all of their faults, when it is not easy and things are really messy. Like I am talking about when they are not convenient and are a burden pain in the butt. Or what about when I prefer myself, my wants, my ambitions, my goals, my pride and to get to the point of it all, my root of selfishness over loving people. Yes, shame on me.

How often and how easy can it be to do this though, to communicate even with the people who are closest to us that we don’t value them or care about the things they care about? Here is what our messed up society says is acceptable, look out for #1 and that’s it. So this leads me to my next thought, where is our compassion for the lost if at times we struggle to extend ourselves to those nearest to us?

Jesus was moved with compassion. I will repeat that for some, I said MOVED! That means he got up and physically did something about it. Makes me think of so many of the accounts of His life where He was moved with compassion for people and responded to the mess that was their lives. Challenges my faith, and even my way of thinking. It means I have to stop and actually ask myself how often I am moved with compassion where it involves a reaction of more than feeling bad for someone in my heart. This is where I need to examine the motives of my heart. This is where I need to repent not only for my hard heart but to ask God to forgive a generation full of selfishness.

If we can’t prefer the people closest in our lives and show them compassion, how then will we be capable of reaching the people that we may even consider inconvenient and have an intolerance for? I don’t think it works this way at all. It’s dysfunctional, and brings a level of disorder and God is not a God of disorder.    

I think learning to love the people that we have in our lives (whether we actually like who they may be) is preschool grounds for being allowed and trusted with loving the rest of Gods people, the so called messy ones.

In our performance, perfectionism driven Christianity we can remotely mute that part about salvation. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God….I am therefore sure it says all of us are in need of His salvation and to that there is no acceptation. Let us not fall prey into a perfectionism driven mentality and forget that we are all sinners needing sanctification. I don’t have to like or not like someone to realize that they need God’s grace just as badly as I do.

Just think for a moment about Jesus and the sorts of people that He encountered, like seriously what if He had of been like hey you bum get up and get a job. I am just as guilty for thinking like this at times when instead the word of God instructs us to LOVE people and be moved with compassion for their lives. For the record I am not saying hey it is ok not to contribute to society. What I am stating is that Love in a biblical sense doesn’t look like what we think people should deserve or receive, but that’s what is so beautiful about it.

I also wasn’t born yesterday so what about instead of trying to give society a hand out what about a hand up to pick up their mats and walk. I was thinking and talking about this recently with a good friend. The concept of speaking and giving someone what they need instead of wanting the easy way out. This normally involves less risk on our behalf, costs us little or nothing, and doesn’t work to create long term change in the cycle of things. Let me leave you with this thought, let God challenge your thinking and not be so quick to judge and think about your opinion of someone. Try simply to stop, ask God what do you think about this person, how does He see them and what do they need? And don’t forget to show the people closer to you that you value them, if we can’t be trusted with this, how can God trust us with the unsaved?

WATCH ME AS I MOVE!

 

 

Constant, unending, unyielding, endless
Relentless, repeating

 

Two feelings, two moods

One lifestyle to choose
 
Be dictated, controlled, and
Moved by emotions and moods

Be governed, covered, and
Guided by Truth

Pull back, peel back, one
More layer

Take out the stitches, remove the band-aids,
Soften the bruise

Mud and clay, stoney places
Replaced with monuments built to last

Though it hurts again
I place my life into your hands

Pluck out the thorns,
Shards of glass

Going even deeper,
Sinking even quicker

Continue to move
Replacing my stone heart
Speak!

One more layer, another…

Flesh wound

But never another day
Gong to stand, run into it
Embracing life to the fullest

Watch me as I MOVE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snQQhszgSC8

Activate Your Faith!

 

Frustrated, Angry, and on edge….Yep those are the words that definitely could be used to describe how I felt tonight and how I have been feeling the last few weeks.

I am sure no one else has ever had this happen (Not…) but I felt pushed over said edge by something that in comparison to the other things in my life (the things that I have been processing and working through lately), well it was just silly to say the least. Oh how that dog Devil loves to try and mess with our heads when we aren’t necessarily thinking super clear or at our best.

So tonight I came home and when I felt at my worst I literally decided to run. My initial reaction to run was out of insecurity and frustration, then anger and then peace. Ok so I am somewhat confusing, yes I know this. When I was running I brought along my phone to listen to worship music. I normally will listen to one, maybe two songs over and over when I am frustrated or feeling stuck. It is usually a song that I feel is either speaking to my spirit, or speaking faith into my heart. The last two days I have found myself listening to the song My Soul Longs For You- Come Away by Jesus Culture and tonight I realized the words “You’ll come like the rain….and My Soul Longs For You are so prophetic over my life for the season I am in.

The words, “You’ll come like the rain” remind me of when we activate our faith for something that is unseen. We can see the signs; feel the coolness in the air, watch the clouds darken and roll over the valley, and eventually watch the rain pour down. Our faith in Christ is similar to this, we can see the signs that He is working and doing something behind the scenes (note that we often can miss this or only partially see it but I think it is so profound when we can feel it and know that it is there in our hearts even when we don’t “see” it in the physical and natural sense). We can feel the Holy Spirit moving, and we can certainly see the storm clouds come, and sometimes they pour.

It is not simply about seeing it. What I mean is not just seeing or observing something that is obvious but seeing past and through the obvious and seeing faith, believing for more than the rain. Believing for more than to just get through the storm. What does rain bring in the natural? It brings life, healing, growth, fruit; it works to produce something under the surface of what is seen, in a spiritual sense it works in us to activate our Faith and thus; in return stirs to produce HOPE for our own lives and for the lives of others.

So when I sing the words, “My soul longs for you, my soul longs for you, nothing else will do….I believe you will come like the rain, I believe you will come like the rain….” What I am really doing is engaging and activating my soul & heart to be aligned with what God is doing under the surface of my life and the lives of the people I love that I am standing in prayer for. I am petitioning the gates of heaven for what I know the rain will bring; growth, healing, fruit and even asking for better then what I think the rain can bring. In the process of it all I am stirring my faith and remaining hopeful.    

Like I had said I was running. As I ran- I ran in anger, I ran in frustration, I ran in confusion, and in the end I ran to my Heavenly Father, into his arms of comfort and peace. I don’t have all the answers to all the questions I may want answers for but I know that God will always come and meet me where I am at in a moment. I am thankful that He brings his Holy Spirit to rest peace upon me and that like many who have tried before me I cannot out run God.

Psalm 27: 13-14

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

When I write, when I sing, when I proclaim praises to my king my weary soul can find rest, it is as if time stops and the universe stands still. Nothing else seems to matter. It is just God and I and everything fades away, nothing matters, not the good and not the bad. This is where I find rest for my soul.

 

 

April, 23rd

Running, Pacing
All at a lose, not really knowing the cost
At the gate I stand
Open arms, that's how I ran
Here beneath my feet
Take the key and open up
Let the dawn break me free
Let the dawn break me free...
Blind eyes now can see
Never ending days ahead of me
Let me taste, Let me see
The goodness you give
When all falls apart, that's where and when
my life begins to start
The humming of my heart beat
The strum of heavens song amongst the sea
If only I am awake,
I wont miss this next great escape
The writing on stone tablets
A thousand soldiers fighting, cheering
for victory
I don't want a mountain top journey and a valley low
I want heaven and earth, all creation to know
When my soul flutters and my flesh starts to die
Worthless things drift away
and my foresight sets great across the sky
Nothing makes sense, nothing I know
Nothing until now,
now I know
Take me to the moon
Take me to the sea
Stand there, say something, say nothing
Hold my hand, hold me
Walk beside me in the midnight sand
To greatness I stand, to greatness I ran
Where I am wrapped in your arms
Safely and hidden in your wings
Something is stirring and I am not even certain where I will be....
This I am, this I know
Fully alive
Fully awake
I run this life to live

Umm No...

Lately my brain does not seem to have the capacity to really process any relationship thoughts.  Maybe this is a good thing? and perhaps a blessing? At times school projects and everything school or career related has had its toll on my personal life, to a point of emotional over load. 

Tonight as I was journaling my miss match of thoughts about school, exciting career opportunities, my family, and boy stuff, (yes I said boy stuff, I am a person with real thoughts and feelings so don’t try and kid yourself here) I was faced with a thought that I had to explore further.

It was a confusing and somewhat sorrowing thought and I was confronted with two decisions; one I could choose to live in denial of this thought or bring the truth of God into it and ask him to examine my heart.  My thought, well it is more of a question, is maybe I don’t want a relationship? Like maybe I am really okay with being single for the rest of my life?  To give some life history I have to say I have been in some really dysfunctional relationships with men and I had been deeply hurt by one in particular in the past. 

A part of me says I am ok, like I am ok with being alone but then another part of me says no I want someone to one day share the rest of my life with.  Confusing yes I know it is.  I am so sure, so certain of what I want in every other avenue of my life other than this.  I feel out of sorts in this aspect of my life.   I am honestly okay with this single season of my life but let me say that takes work, it takes trusting God and really submitting every part of my life to him.  To all my single friends out there I want to encourage you that rushing into a relationship and then experiencing the sting of heart break will never outweigh the wait in your single season.  Yes I have said this before and yes you will hear me continually mention it, just to make sure you get the point (that is how much love I have for you).

Here is the truth of the matter though I am tired of saying maybe I am ok with being alone. I am tired of accepting a lie that I can’t have something that deep down I really do want.  I can and will one day in Gods timing having a Godly husband and a Godly marriage.  By not accepting this lie I am not saying I take up my own will and deny the cross of Christ, and therefore throw away logic and caution.  I am simply instead saying it is ok, to say ok to that lost dream for my life.

You see my fear, my insecurity is that if I admit that I actually want this for my life then I can’t have it.  Of course I know in theory that is not at all true, but I have to continue to allow Gods love into my fears and insecurities so he can assure me that is ok to dream for my future marriage.  My thoughts tonight were maybe I can’t have this for my life, or maybe the answer is just no.  However that is not true, what is true is NO I can and NO I won’t give in to how I feel when I hit a moment like the one I had tonight. 

I can’t live my life in a bubble dome of dysfunctional comfort; I must live in reality, where sometimes I will get hurt.  This is where the adventure of my life calls me and draws me into something beautiful and magical.  Here I choose to say NO to fear and comfort and YES to the adventure God has for me.

 

So when you find yourself feeling like your dream won’t come to pass do this...say NO to what you know is not right or true.  I hope you too can feel captivated to run, to hope for and dream of the adventure of your lifetime. 

Psalm 16:2

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing”.

Psalm 34:10

The lions grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the lord lack no good thing.

 

Psalm 84:11

For the lord God is a sun and shield; the lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

 

My 2012 Year

My 2012 Year

Looking back on this past year makes me feel slightly unbalanced in my emotions, but perhaps some context is needed to clearly explain why. 

There have been those days when I couldn’t stop smiling, laughing, dancing and enjoying every minute soaking in life as it comes my way, but there have been those other days.  Days where my heart has felt heavy, like it is going to break or when the motivation to live my life to the fullest has become a shadow of my previous days.  On these days I find it helpful to reflect on what God did to get me through the last rocky day or situation.  I choose to activate my faith, and even when I feel like I don’t have any I join arms with those around me.  As a good friend of mine often says to do, “Speak a better word” over my life and the lives of those around me.  God’s word often speaks of newness, new beginnings and new life and this last year has been that in so many ways and I know 2013 will be that and much more.

When it comes to looking back on this year I could recall all the tough moments but instead I want to look at my highlights and the times when God took what was meant for evil and turned it into something good.  So here are a few highlights and the many things I am thankful for;

-The birth of my beautiful niece Arianna (there is quite the story there)

-My friend Alexis’s healing from cancer (I am grateful for Gods healing hand over this 18 year old girl’s life and I know he is going to use her to do great things for his kingdom.  She is a little fire ball to say the least)

-Getting my license, my own car and overcoming my fears about driving

-Living in an awesome house with 2 of my best friends and another one just downstairs

-Starting school and dreaming of how this is going to play out in my future

-Learning to dream BIG and not hold back-it is me that keeps me from where God has called me, nothing else

-Learning to really see people, not where they are in their stories or even who they are, but see them as God sees them.  I want to continue to love people more in this next year and my heart is to help them grow in Christ

-Getting to work with youth, to speak into their lives, watch them grow in Christ and encourage them through the different seasons they walk through

-New FRIENDS! (and of course old friends) I love making new friends and the one on one God moments I have had with so many people this year has been breath taking

-My job, it pays really well and it has been a blessing to me financially

-My family and friends, I love them all very much

-My health and the freedom I have as a Canadian citizen

-My church and my local community

-Travelling to L.A and San Francisco to visit a friend from bible school, and surprising another friend with the trip to go there

There are so many highlights and it is hard to list them all at once but those are some of them.  To sum up my year I would say it consisted of; random adventures, trips, visits, late night snacks and stays with friends, walks, art, writing, poems, painting/ drawing, good food, laughing, dancing, crying tears of joy and sorrow, praying BOLD and seemingly impossible prayers, walking through the fire, learning to dance in the rain and be content in whatever season God has me in, divine appointments, prophetic moments and powerful times of worship, relationships with people and a deeper revelation of God’s love as well as a deepening of my relationship with him, the breaking of strongholds in my life and the lives of those around me, the piercing of my heart for the plans and purposes of God, receiving mercy and extending grace to others, serving with what is in my pocket, looking at the future but not missing out on my present, not letting my past define me, running and not growing weary, letting go and trusting God, being patient, being impatient, forgiving and being forgiven, rebuilding relationship with my family, making room- what is inconvenient for me but required to see the holiness of God in my life, being generous and kind, wanting to do a lot but being reminded I am not a human doing but a human being, trips to Vancouver, Edmonton, Vancouver Island and many other places, working hard, playing, and lastly learning to be who God has designed and called me to be; passionate and fully alive, full of wonder and adventure.  That is my attempt to sum up my 2012 year and yes it is done very randomly but that’s ok with me.   

For this next year there is only one thing I am sure of, that it will be great because God is in it.  Other than that I am not entirely sure where he will led me.  There are many things I want to do and desires that are on my heart but I will leave it up to my heavenly father to fulfill them in the right time.  I challenge you to go and not do more but to LOVE MUCH BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN MUCH.  If I could only accomplish that and nothing else on my “to do” list I know this next year would be blessed.  I leave you with a verse that has been on my heart today as I have been reflecting about the past and what the future holds.

Proverbs 2:7-11 NIV

He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.