July 23rd, 2013
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
He gives me life! I will take that to the bank please & thank you.
I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sick in my heart lately, to my stomach and even to my very core at times. Every part of me wants to run. Every piece of me feels like it is breaking apart. (Don't worry I am just describing my rollercoaster of emotions, don't sound the alarm and freak out I will explain later:)
I never thought dealing with the darkness in me would really confront me with me. I never thought looking at some of my flaws would reveal Gods truth and open opportunity to grow closer to Him.
Here's the truth. I am just like you, just as fearful, just as human. You cut me and I bleed. I am alive with a river of life flowing and beating through my veins, I am here on this earth for more then to just suck air. Sometimes more life then my own body and mind can keep up with. It might appear as if I have it all together, but what does that even mean?! Here is what I think it really means. It means I pretend, I fake my way through life not letting anyone really see me. It means I push people away when I should build relationship with them. It means I sit on the throne of my life and therefore end up replacing Christ with a self-centered, self-focused sort of pride and a self reliant mentality. Yikes!
Lately one of my battles is with confronting the things from my past. My memories and some things that have happened recently that have triggered having to walk through emotional trauma but not letting them become a part of my present or my future. Walking through these memories but with the reminder of truth at my side stating that I am not who I used to be and I am no longer defined by my past.
Uncut, unfiltered, blunt, and honest here it is.
This last week was a long week, physically (long work hours), spiritually, and emotionally speaking. I can look back on the week and say I did feel some victory in my life but I said I would be honest too. During this last week I helped emcee at one of my best friends bridal showers and helped with another friends wedding for 225 people. No skin off my back, no big deal from a practical perspective. From an emotional and spiritual one it was entirely different.
I am happy for my friends, I sincerely was blessed to be a part of their big day this past week. The topic of marriage can be a soft one for me at times seeing as I did not have a pleasant experience with the subject at hand. Here is where truth comes in and where my feelings and emotions in a moment may want to say something other then the very truth of God's redeeming word.
July 6th, 2008, 5 years ago this month I was married at the same location were my friends had their wedding. Some people may think so what no big deal, that was then and this is now and it was 5 years ago right? And hasn't God healed you, didn't He make all things new? Yes, yes He has and I am eternally grateful for this in my life. Here's the thing that we know from a knowledge prospective but can forget, the Devil is a lair and doesn't fight fair. How easily and quickly he will come in where I am weak and try and to whisper something that is not true (may even feel true) and try and mess with my emotions. I AM NOT CONTROLLED BY MY FEELINGS! As a great friend would tell me..."Tell him to go to Hell!" At times I lack the follow thru to fight. I sit in my pit when I know I should run and climb on out of it. Come on people I know I am not the only one here. How comfortable, how familiar to sit and moap instead of doing something about it. Man do I need a swift kick in my back side some days. Other days all I need in a hug.
Here is the other thing I have been starting to wrestle out with God....
More of a fun fact...I am a control freak. Anyone of my close friends would agree with this statement in a matter of fact kind of way. Not something I easily even admit as it means I have to not be so prideful and have to actually admit that I, said control freak, don't have control over my life. Oh the irony.
I plan, I measure out things in my life. I over think everything and analyze the silliest things. And as convenient and as much as I would like to excuse my poor habits and behavior by saying I had no control over my life growing up for so long...blah blah blah not good enough. Nope, no excuses, I Bernadette Miles am I major control freak in need of Jesus to take control.
Wow talk about not trusting! How the heck am I supposed to trust people, let alone God if I want everything laid out before me on my terms? I was talking recently to another close friend about corners, how God has gifted me with the ability to see things in other peoples lives. Sometimes I need to speak to these things and other times I need only keep my mouth shut, and pray in obedience to the Holy Spirit. Here's the funny thing (well more of a frustration to me) I can't see around some of the corners in my own life because God won't let me! I know it is because He wants to teach me and draw me closer to him. So as frustrating as it may be I need remind my flesh to sit down and not act like a 2 year old.
Did I mention that I have issues with control? (As a side thought I probably shouldn't continue to refer to myself as a control freak). I am not stating that I am dumb or spiritually blind in the common sense department when I say I can't see around some corners. What I am saying is that God doesn't give me what I want, He gives me what I need. I may feel like I need all the answers to my questions and I may feel like I don't need to wait on some things or be patient but that is not the case. What I need is to trust Him and allow him to gain control. Right now is when I have the opportunity to grow, to trust Him with every area of my life. To give up control, to give up trying to figure out everything and everyone. An't no body got time for dat! Let alone the grace to try and control every part of their life.
To some perhaps it seems like I am talking in circles. If not then let me assure you that you are not alone in how you may feel regarding giving up control over the things you know you should.
I have said and prayed it before but it is so worth repeating. I don't want what's easy, what's cheap & convenient. I want God, what's good, hard, difficult, great and everything else in between. All of Him for all of me. This looks like me letting Him deal with me. This looks like dealing with the darkness in me that would sooner attempt to consume and control me. Only in the last few months have I really realized some of the things I am talking about. I haven't been ready or willing to deal with them. I know it is not done yet and that the road I walk might look differently then I would like it to. I am a work in progress and need remind myself of that instead of becoming short tempered with my frustrations. Thank goodness God gives me what I need not what I want.
I can relate what I am attempting to describe as if there were 3 wars waging within me. It's like my left (critical thinking side) and right (creative side) brain are in conflict constantly and to make matters worse that my brain and my heart can't seem to just get along and figure things out. I guess this is when and where I step down and say I am not in control. I let God be God and submit to his covering in my life.
Rev. 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Ps. 47:8
God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne.
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