Umm No...

Lately my brain does not seem to have the capacity to really process any relationship thoughts.  Maybe this is a good thing? and perhaps a blessing? At times school projects and everything school or career related has had its toll on my personal life, to a point of emotional over load. 

Tonight as I was journaling my miss match of thoughts about school, exciting career opportunities, my family, and boy stuff, (yes I said boy stuff, I am a person with real thoughts and feelings so don’t try and kid yourself here) I was faced with a thought that I had to explore further.

It was a confusing and somewhat sorrowing thought and I was confronted with two decisions; one I could choose to live in denial of this thought or bring the truth of God into it and ask him to examine my heart.  My thought, well it is more of a question, is maybe I don’t want a relationship? Like maybe I am really okay with being single for the rest of my life?  To give some life history I have to say I have been in some really dysfunctional relationships with men and I had been deeply hurt by one in particular in the past. 

A part of me says I am ok, like I am ok with being alone but then another part of me says no I want someone to one day share the rest of my life with.  Confusing yes I know it is.  I am so sure, so certain of what I want in every other avenue of my life other than this.  I feel out of sorts in this aspect of my life.   I am honestly okay with this single season of my life but let me say that takes work, it takes trusting God and really submitting every part of my life to him.  To all my single friends out there I want to encourage you that rushing into a relationship and then experiencing the sting of heart break will never outweigh the wait in your single season.  Yes I have said this before and yes you will hear me continually mention it, just to make sure you get the point (that is how much love I have for you).

Here is the truth of the matter though I am tired of saying maybe I am ok with being alone. I am tired of accepting a lie that I can’t have something that deep down I really do want.  I can and will one day in Gods timing having a Godly husband and a Godly marriage.  By not accepting this lie I am not saying I take up my own will and deny the cross of Christ, and therefore throw away logic and caution.  I am simply instead saying it is ok, to say ok to that lost dream for my life.

You see my fear, my insecurity is that if I admit that I actually want this for my life then I can’t have it.  Of course I know in theory that is not at all true, but I have to continue to allow Gods love into my fears and insecurities so he can assure me that is ok to dream for my future marriage.  My thoughts tonight were maybe I can’t have this for my life, or maybe the answer is just no.  However that is not true, what is true is NO I can and NO I won’t give in to how I feel when I hit a moment like the one I had tonight. 

I can’t live my life in a bubble dome of dysfunctional comfort; I must live in reality, where sometimes I will get hurt.  This is where the adventure of my life calls me and draws me into something beautiful and magical.  Here I choose to say NO to fear and comfort and YES to the adventure God has for me.

 

So when you find yourself feeling like your dream won’t come to pass do this...say NO to what you know is not right or true.  I hope you too can feel captivated to run, to hope for and dream of the adventure of your lifetime. 

Psalm 16:2

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing”.

Psalm 34:10

The lions grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the lord lack no good thing.

 

Psalm 84:11

For the lord God is a sun and shield; the lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.