Just Another Day

Whisper, whisper

Those clouds that roll on in they look so grey

Mister, Mister

In the dark of night would you be there just to stay or in a glimpse turn and run away

Drummer, Drummer

Can you beat to the sound of a thousand lions roaring from deep within?

Captivated and this ship feels like it is sinking

All aboard, I am jumping in

The captain of the ship calls me to stay, he beckons me to hold on tight until the break of day

Whisper, Whisper

Can you hear my voice, the echo from before the heavens began

Mister, Mister

Patience, Hope, Trust, there they are and bound to land

Drummer, Drummer

Now the earth is shaking, but can you keep this heart captivating?

Veil from the sky long torn down

Beauty of His relationship brought with such a costly sound

He is the one who holds the keys to my life, sending out His angels to attend until the break of day

So hear the Whisper, Mister as the Drummer plays

Oh How it Looks so Different

Remember when you were a kid and you looked forward to special days like Christmas, your birthday or a family vacation. For me these were not always my favorite days but that’s not what I am getting at here in this analogy.  

 

Do you ever remember waiting for something with excitement and anticipation in your heart and then when you were about to unveil said gift you wondered is this really what I think it is? Is this really that kool, you fill in the blank here people….and in that moment you hesitated, you pondered if this gift was really the gift you wanted all along. Of course as kids our mentality is limited to that of a selfish two year old that is ready at a moment’s notice to announce to the world how we have just faced some unbearable justice. An example of this would be when mom says no to our demands for that toy we don’t even need and we react by having a freak out in the toy isle. With this thought in mind do we do this with God in our adulthood when a gift from Him looks differently than we thought it should look?
 

I have been thinking about this as I have been reflecting on a bunch of stuff that God has been downloading to me and showing me. It really is sick how we (I point at myself here as well as I am not oblivious to that big old plank) pray for God to move and do various things in our lives and then in the next moment are inclined, and even feel justified to try and rebuke God? Do we argue with him and in doing so state that He should not be in control of our lives. Clearly I know what is best, right? Wrong.

What I know is that at times I am ridiculously and selfishly motivated by how I think things should look and play out. Thank God that his playbook is far better than mine, as my moves suck big time. It is like at times I think hey maybe this round of chess I can outwit God of the Universe or make a better move than He can. Wrong again and quite funny. Derp...(yes I just used derp in my blog, get over it).

My life for sure looks differently than I thought it would. I thought I would be married with a few kids by now and have a stable career. However, in regards to my analogy about expecting one thing and getting something different I can say this is true for my life in so many areas. To put it into context better, it is like guessing that God is going to do one thing and He instead does something completely different. Not always different in the sense of hey I know your praying for a job but instead I am not going to bless you with a job. Why that would be taking what I am saying out of context. Different as in the form or the package, what I call the delivery of the promise. Does this mean that He is no longer a good and loving God and does not want to bless you? Absolutely not. Perhaps instead let me offend you by asking the question of does this mean that you instead need to restructure some of your attitudes, and even what you believe about some things? May a suggest looking at what Gods word says about it or praying about something before concluding that it is a good idea. There are a lot of good ideas out there but I for one do not want to build my life upon them.

 

 

I was speaking fairly recently to someone about relationships. This is when they mentioned some of the things they were wanting in regards to their future spouse. I remember being deeply offended (for a few reasons, but I am only touching on one of them) by some of what they said and almost feeling a sadness in my heart. I felt sad that they were so set in their thinking of what they thought would be best for them that they were not even open to the idea (see previous paragraph about good ideas) of something different than what they had already pre-decided. Hear me here as I am not saying not to pray for a Godly wife or husband. What I am referring to is more along the lines of different preferences and not being open to the idea of something other than those. Don’t go too far the other way and think oh no Gods not going to bless me with a spouse that I get along with or that I am attracted to, nope He doesn’t operate that way.

What I am really getting at here is what gives me the right in my own life to pre-plan and lay out the things in my life that I am praying for God to ordain? I have no right and it is extremely contradictory if you stop and really start to think about it from an unbiased viewpoint. Stop for a minute and remove, or at least try to remove some of the anticipation surrounding the waiting process like say that of a relationship. Stop and ask God hey is what I want not necessarily wrong but distorted from what you are trying so hard to show me and in return give to me for my life. Is what I want to look so different than what I first thought?

It is what we do with it that makes it a sin or not in our lives, do we allow something to dictate our lives to the point where things become relative? I for one hope not! I hope that my life is continually being refined by Him, not what I want and how I think something should look because it looks good in my corrupted mindset without Gods truth about the matter . Does this mean I am perfect? Yep….not perfect at all.

So what if my life looks so different than I thought? If God is in it than I really don’t care. What I do care about is my response in the in between. My response to whatever process he has me in while working on the stuff in my heart. If I am going to try and control anything in my life I think that would be one area to work one. How I respond instead of trying to control in a moment when something looks so different.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One story I am reminded of while writing this blog is in 1 Samuel 22-24 when David is fleeing from Saul. I am sure David thought wow this sure looks a lot different than I thought it would. We read about how it was far from a good time or what David had probably thought would happen but we also see that God was with Him where ever he went. Lord grant me a heart like that of David.

Daniel 10:12

Numbers 14:24

If it is easy will it really please me?

If it is not hard, it is not God.
If it is easy will it really please me?

Just a few thoughts that come to my mind as I shuffle through a couple of days that have felt like a whirlwind of hope & excitement and then were followed by the crashing of the seas against the rock cliffs.

Do I jump? Do I run? Do I sink or do I swim?

Luke 8:25

Or do I wait, trust God and run to Him for EVERYTHING! The last few months have been what seem like flashes of some of the things I have dreamed about (a bunch of different things, some unhealthy and some God given desires) and then a bunch of no's and closed doors. Sometimes these doors have felt slammed shut to top it off.

Once again I want what is of God, what's hard, difficult, not easy. Not what feels ok and looks good to my flesh. I want the things of God even more then the comfort of my own flesh.

In one of my fave songs some of the lyrics are:
Here is my heart you can have it all.
That means not just bits and pieces for me to surrender but all of it.

ALL OF ME FOR ALL OF HIM.

I AM ON THE EDGE
SITTING FROM THESE CLIFF TOPS AND THEN DIVING IN
SWINGING ON THAT FARM BENCH
RUNNING THROUGH A THOUSAND FIELDS FULL OF MYSTERY

WHY DOES THE BUMBLEBEE BUZZ?
WHY DOES MY HEART WANT TO RUN FARTHER AWAY BUT ALSO WANT TO STAY
LET ME IN, DON'T LET ME GO
TAKE ME DEEPER JUST SO MY HEART CAN KNOW THEE
JUST SO I CAN FEEL YOUR HEART ALIVE IN MINE
JUST TO KNOW THAT IT IS YOU WHO TRULY HOLDS ME


If the only thing in this world that was really real was you, would that be enough?
Would that be ok for me to say...

James 1:6

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

October 27th

Just the start, just the beginning of something so beautiful. I can see it in the distance. I can almost taste the sweetness on my tongue. It is so close I can almost feel it.

It is like when summer fades and autumn dawns. Every where I look I see it. I see newness, life, all of creation is surrounded by the reality of your presence. I want to touch, I want to see, to feel, to experience more than what I deem to be real.

More than what I feel...
Bring me to the next level, more then the maturity of how I feel.

So close, not too far, not too long now.

 

Tick Tock

Sitting. Cold. Thinking in the grass...

Misery why won't you come and pass?
Sweep me like a broom brush hitting up against a rug.
Turning my eyes inside out.
Waiting patiently. Never failing, you're always faithful.

Tick Tock, time's running but I am not in charge of the clock.
Still can't see it, far off in the distance.
You steal my beating heart, the very breath of my existence.

Waiting patiently, tick tock, time's running but I am not in charge of the clock.
Sky is ablaze with wonder.
The excitement of another day, come and gone.

I am not a friend of fear but even the best things can go wrong.
The smell of autumn, the taste of tea. The crisp air kisses against me.

Your mercy and kindness pursuing, and even hunting me down.
Still cold, not numb or dead. Alive, able, capable and sound.

Waiting patiently,
Tick Tock, time's running but I am still not in charge of the clock.

When Life is not Convenient

Am I comfortable with my lukewarm Christianity filling a place where there is sanity? What I mean to say is I can only begin to express what I am trying to draw attention to, the tip of the iceberg.

I will however ponder this: Do we allow ourselves to get to a place where “living” really ceases to be living and where we instead live a life of mediocrity where what once seemed like a lukewarm thought has dripped out of the leaky faucet of our existence, where we now bathe ourselves in our own dirty sanity. Take out the laundry, let it hang out to dry, let the light shine where the packaged spot remover cannot get clean.

Now this brings me to my next thought…..But first this warning: This may be more scattered and offensive then usual so put on your big boy/ girl pants and buckle up for the read, seriously no pun intended.

As I was driving home tonight a thought that troubled me was, what am I comfortable with tolerating in my life? Not the kind of tolerance where you love that annoying sibling that takes your things without asking. No I am referencing the kind that allows a life altering tolerance to pass by in your life and in a split moment (Don’t worry I have not gone into the deep end without my floaties again, thanks grandma).

In society there are endless amounts of chatter about what is, what should be, and what can be tolerated today and there is even this stigma of that was then and this is now (don’t even get me started on the last part of that otherwise I will end up ranting). All I am simply bringing up is the question of what do us as individuals choose to tolerate although we know it brings conflict within ourselves. As Paul states “I do not understand what I do, but what I hate I do…For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing.” (See Romans 7:7-25) Thinking logically, practically and rather maturely this of course can be described as nothing but absolutely and assuredly ridiculous, yet it is so us! Let me assure you dear friend that you are just as ridiculous as the rest of us. Some prideful, stubborn and persistent humans (I of course am not amongst this sub pair race of creatures. Rolls eyes…) may take a little longer to perceive the deprived state of our humanity.

Lately there are a few new artists in my collection that I have been listening to over and over. There are also a few songs where the lyrics stand out so clearly to me that I can feel myself getting a plank pulled from my eye. Thanks to a friend I don’t have to listen to these songs via the refresh button on You Tube (yes haha classy, I know). One artist I am in love with is Sanctus Real, especially the song Eloquent. The lyrics describe me oh so well…

I'm as eloquent as an elephant
I'm as headstrong as the Mighty King Kong
On a rampage throwing airplanes
I can't believe you haven't gone away
I am difficult, argumentative
I'm as thick skulled as the dinosaur bones on a display in a glass case
I can't believe you haven't run away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fCO5JiDsyw

Yep that can sound just like me if I allow myself to be ruled by myself, my own emotions and self-destructive nature.

 

When Life doesn’t make sense, when nothing seems to go as you had planned to plan. When life is not as easy or convenient as you had hoped it would be, well then what?

Normally my automatic response is to say suck it up, move on, deal with it and begin to make other plans. Well that is not always the case. As I am finding out it is not always about moving onto the next thing. What I am learning is that nothing is convenient. Those who know me well know I am over stating the obvious fact of my incredible lack of patience. I am now the wiser that at least I DO NOT pray for patience, I instead at times endure the lessons that come with the dealings of various avenues of my life. Literally thank God that he is teaching me so much in my life about patience! In the meantime God please let me not bog down those closet to me with my desire to buck against these valuable life lessons.

Well then what?

Have you ever stopped and thought about how inconvenient Jesus was? Seriously like I wonder if any of the disciples where ever like, “Hey Jesus if we could stick to the schedule just once that would be greeeaat” This truly depicts how we plan to make our own plans when God is saying stop it, it’s not on my agenda! Everywhere Jesus went He was probably considered inconvenient, like how about I send a friend over to some strangers place and request a table for 12 and see how that one goes over. Ok so I am being slightly silly here in my analogies. The point is I don’t want my life to be convenient for me or look how I have planned. This of course is not to be mixed up with the desires of our hearts. (Psalm 20:4, Psalm 37:4 & Isaiah 26:8)

I want what is inconvenient if it is what God has for me. “Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees, that I may follow it to the end” Psalm 119:33 I may not always be willing to engage in stirring the boiling pot of complacently in my life but I will forever be indebted to responding to Gods spirit. He does a much better job of stirring the pot anyways, I just need spend time in his presence to restrain myself from “boiling over” when things are inconvenient to me.  

Control: The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events

July 23rd, 2013

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
He gives me life! I will take that to the bank please & thank you.

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sick in my heart lately, to my stomach and even to my very core at times. Every part of me wants to run. Every piece of me feels like it is breaking apart. (Don't worry I am just describing my rollercoaster of emotions, don't sound the alarm and freak out I will explain later:)

I never thought dealing with the darkness in me would really confront me with me. I never thought looking at some of my flaws would reveal Gods truth and open opportunity to grow closer to Him.

Here's the truth. I am just like you, just as fearful, just as human. You cut me and I bleed. I am alive with a river of life flowing and beating through my veins, I am here on this earth for more then to just suck air. Sometimes more life then my own body and mind can keep up with. It might appear as if I have it all together, but what does that even mean?! Here is what I think it really means. It means I pretend, I fake my way through life not letting anyone really see me. It means I push people away when I should build relationship with them. It means I sit on the throne of my life and therefore end up replacing Christ with a self-centered, self-focused sort of pride and a self reliant mentality. Yikes!

Lately one of my battles is with confronting the things from my past. My memories and some things that have happened recently that have triggered having to walk through emotional trauma but not letting them become a part of my present or my future. Walking through these memories but with the reminder of truth at my side stating that I am not who I used to be and I am no longer defined by my past.

Uncut, unfiltered, blunt, and honest here it is.
This last week was a long week, physically (long work hours), spiritually, and emotionally speaking. I can look back on the week and say I did feel some victory in my life but I said I would be honest too. During this last week I helped emcee at one of my best friends bridal showers and helped with another friends wedding for 225 people. No skin off my back, no big deal from a practical perspective. From an emotional and spiritual one it was entirely different.

I am happy for my friends, I sincerely was blessed to be a part of their big day this past week. The topic of marriage can be a soft one for me at times seeing as I did not have a pleasant experience with the subject at hand. Here is where truth comes in and where my feelings and emotions in a moment may want to say something other then the very truth of God's redeeming word.

July 6th, 2008, 5 years ago this month I was married at the same location were my friends had their wedding. Some people may think so what no big deal, that was then and this is now and it was 5 years ago right? And hasn't God healed you, didn't He make all things new? Yes, yes He has and I am eternally grateful for this in my life. Here's the thing that we know from a knowledge prospective but can forget, the Devil is a lair and doesn't fight fair. How easily and quickly he will come in where I am weak and try and to whisper something that is not true (may even feel true) and try and mess with my emotions. I AM NOT CONTROLLED BY MY FEELINGS! As a great friend would tell me..."Tell him to go to Hell!" At times I lack the follow thru to fight. I sit in my pit when I know I should run and climb on out of it. Come on people I know I am not the only one here. How comfortable, how familiar to sit and moap instead of doing something about it. Man do I need a swift kick in my back side some days. Other days all I need in a hug.

Here is the other thing I have been starting to wrestle out with God....
More of a fun fact...I am a control freak. Anyone of my close friends would agree with this statement in a matter of fact kind of way. Not something I easily even admit as it means I have to not be so prideful and have to actually admit that I, said control freak, don't have control over my life. Oh the irony.

I plan, I measure out things in my life. I over think everything and analyze the silliest things. And as convenient and as much as I would like to excuse my poor habits and behavior by saying I had no control over my life growing up for so long...blah blah blah not good enough. Nope, no excuses, I Bernadette Miles am I major control freak in need of Jesus to take control.

Wow talk about not trusting! How the heck am I supposed to trust people, let alone God if I want everything laid out before me on my terms? I was talking recently to another close friend about corners, how God has gifted me with the ability to see things in other peoples lives. Sometimes I need to speak to these things and other times I need only keep my mouth shut, and pray in obedience to the Holy Spirit. Here's the funny thing (well more of a frustration to me) I can't see around some of the corners in my own life because God won't let me! I know it is because He wants to teach me and draw me closer to him. So as frustrating as it may be I need remind my flesh to sit down and not act like a 2 year old.

Did I mention that I have issues with control? (As a side thought I probably shouldn't continue to refer to myself as a control freak). I am not stating that I am dumb or spiritually blind in the common sense department when I say I can't see around some corners. What I am saying is that God doesn't give me what I want, He gives me what I need. I may feel like I need all the answers to my questions and I may feel like I don't need to wait on some things or be patient but that is not the case. What I need is to trust Him and allow him to gain control. Right now is when I have the opportunity to grow, to trust Him with every area of my life. To give up control, to give up trying to figure out everything and everyone. An't no body got time for dat! Let alone the grace to try and control every part of their life.

To some perhaps it seems like I am talking in circles. If not then let me assure you that you are not alone in how you may feel regarding giving up control over the things you know you should.

I have said and prayed it before but it is so worth repeating. I don't want what's easy, what's cheap & convenient. I want God, what's good, hard, difficult, great and everything else in between. All of Him for all of me. This looks like me letting Him deal with me. This looks like dealing with the darkness in me that would sooner attempt to consume and control me. Only in the last few months have I really realized some of the things I am talking about. I haven't been ready or willing to deal with them. I know it is not done yet and that the road I walk might look differently then I would like it to. I am a work in progress and need remind myself of that instead of becoming short tempered with my frustrations. Thank goodness God gives me what I need not what I want.

I can relate what I am attempting to describe as if there were 3 wars waging within me. It's like my left (critical thinking side) and right (creative side) brain are in conflict constantly and to make matters worse that my brain and my heart can't seem to just get along and figure things out. I guess this is when and where I step down and say I am not in control. I let God be God and submit to his covering in my life.

Rev. 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Ps. 47:8
God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne.