Tick Tock

Sitting. Cold. Thinking in the grass...

Misery why won't you come and pass?
Sweep me like a broom brush hitting up against a rug.
Turning my eyes inside out.
Waiting patiently. Never failing, you're always faithful.

Tick Tock, time's running but I am not in charge of the clock.
Still can't see it, far off in the distance.
You steal my beating heart, the very breath of my existence.

Waiting patiently, tick tock, time's running but I am not in charge of the clock.
Sky is ablaze with wonder.
The excitement of another day, come and gone.

I am not a friend of fear but even the best things can go wrong.
The smell of autumn, the taste of tea. The crisp air kisses against me.

Your mercy and kindness pursuing, and even hunting me down.
Still cold, not numb or dead. Alive, able, capable and sound.

Waiting patiently,
Tick Tock, time's running but I am still not in charge of the clock.

When Life is not Convenient

Am I comfortable with my lukewarm Christianity filling a place where there is sanity? What I mean to say is I can only begin to express what I am trying to draw attention to, the tip of the iceberg.

I will however ponder this: Do we allow ourselves to get to a place where “living” really ceases to be living and where we instead live a life of mediocrity where what once seemed like a lukewarm thought has dripped out of the leaky faucet of our existence, where we now bathe ourselves in our own dirty sanity. Take out the laundry, let it hang out to dry, let the light shine where the packaged spot remover cannot get clean.

Now this brings me to my next thought…..But first this warning: This may be more scattered and offensive then usual so put on your big boy/ girl pants and buckle up for the read, seriously no pun intended.

As I was driving home tonight a thought that troubled me was, what am I comfortable with tolerating in my life? Not the kind of tolerance where you love that annoying sibling that takes your things without asking. No I am referencing the kind that allows a life altering tolerance to pass by in your life and in a split moment (Don’t worry I have not gone into the deep end without my floaties again, thanks grandma).

In society there are endless amounts of chatter about what is, what should be, and what can be tolerated today and there is even this stigma of that was then and this is now (don’t even get me started on the last part of that otherwise I will end up ranting). All I am simply bringing up is the question of what do us as individuals choose to tolerate although we know it brings conflict within ourselves. As Paul states “I do not understand what I do, but what I hate I do…For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing.” (See Romans 7:7-25) Thinking logically, practically and rather maturely this of course can be described as nothing but absolutely and assuredly ridiculous, yet it is so us! Let me assure you dear friend that you are just as ridiculous as the rest of us. Some prideful, stubborn and persistent humans (I of course am not amongst this sub pair race of creatures. Rolls eyes…) may take a little longer to perceive the deprived state of our humanity.

Lately there are a few new artists in my collection that I have been listening to over and over. There are also a few songs where the lyrics stand out so clearly to me that I can feel myself getting a plank pulled from my eye. Thanks to a friend I don’t have to listen to these songs via the refresh button on You Tube (yes haha classy, I know). One artist I am in love with is Sanctus Real, especially the song Eloquent. The lyrics describe me oh so well…

I'm as eloquent as an elephant
I'm as headstrong as the Mighty King Kong
On a rampage throwing airplanes
I can't believe you haven't gone away
I am difficult, argumentative
I'm as thick skulled as the dinosaur bones on a display in a glass case
I can't believe you haven't run away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fCO5JiDsyw

Yep that can sound just like me if I allow myself to be ruled by myself, my own emotions and self-destructive nature.

 

When Life doesn’t make sense, when nothing seems to go as you had planned to plan. When life is not as easy or convenient as you had hoped it would be, well then what?

Normally my automatic response is to say suck it up, move on, deal with it and begin to make other plans. Well that is not always the case. As I am finding out it is not always about moving onto the next thing. What I am learning is that nothing is convenient. Those who know me well know I am over stating the obvious fact of my incredible lack of patience. I am now the wiser that at least I DO NOT pray for patience, I instead at times endure the lessons that come with the dealings of various avenues of my life. Literally thank God that he is teaching me so much in my life about patience! In the meantime God please let me not bog down those closet to me with my desire to buck against these valuable life lessons.

Well then what?

Have you ever stopped and thought about how inconvenient Jesus was? Seriously like I wonder if any of the disciples where ever like, “Hey Jesus if we could stick to the schedule just once that would be greeeaat” This truly depicts how we plan to make our own plans when God is saying stop it, it’s not on my agenda! Everywhere Jesus went He was probably considered inconvenient, like how about I send a friend over to some strangers place and request a table for 12 and see how that one goes over. Ok so I am being slightly silly here in my analogies. The point is I don’t want my life to be convenient for me or look how I have planned. This of course is not to be mixed up with the desires of our hearts. (Psalm 20:4, Psalm 37:4 & Isaiah 26:8)

I want what is inconvenient if it is what God has for me. “Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees, that I may follow it to the end” Psalm 119:33 I may not always be willing to engage in stirring the boiling pot of complacently in my life but I will forever be indebted to responding to Gods spirit. He does a much better job of stirring the pot anyways, I just need spend time in his presence to restrain myself from “boiling over” when things are inconvenient to me.  

Control: The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events

July 23rd, 2013

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
He gives me life! I will take that to the bank please & thank you.

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sick in my heart lately, to my stomach and even to my very core at times. Every part of me wants to run. Every piece of me feels like it is breaking apart. (Don't worry I am just describing my rollercoaster of emotions, don't sound the alarm and freak out I will explain later:)

I never thought dealing with the darkness in me would really confront me with me. I never thought looking at some of my flaws would reveal Gods truth and open opportunity to grow closer to Him.

Here's the truth. I am just like you, just as fearful, just as human. You cut me and I bleed. I am alive with a river of life flowing and beating through my veins, I am here on this earth for more then to just suck air. Sometimes more life then my own body and mind can keep up with. It might appear as if I have it all together, but what does that even mean?! Here is what I think it really means. It means I pretend, I fake my way through life not letting anyone really see me. It means I push people away when I should build relationship with them. It means I sit on the throne of my life and therefore end up replacing Christ with a self-centered, self-focused sort of pride and a self reliant mentality. Yikes!

Lately one of my battles is with confronting the things from my past. My memories and some things that have happened recently that have triggered having to walk through emotional trauma but not letting them become a part of my present or my future. Walking through these memories but with the reminder of truth at my side stating that I am not who I used to be and I am no longer defined by my past.

Uncut, unfiltered, blunt, and honest here it is.
This last week was a long week, physically (long work hours), spiritually, and emotionally speaking. I can look back on the week and say I did feel some victory in my life but I said I would be honest too. During this last week I helped emcee at one of my best friends bridal showers and helped with another friends wedding for 225 people. No skin off my back, no big deal from a practical perspective. From an emotional and spiritual one it was entirely different.

I am happy for my friends, I sincerely was blessed to be a part of their big day this past week. The topic of marriage can be a soft one for me at times seeing as I did not have a pleasant experience with the subject at hand. Here is where truth comes in and where my feelings and emotions in a moment may want to say something other then the very truth of God's redeeming word.

July 6th, 2008, 5 years ago this month I was married at the same location were my friends had their wedding. Some people may think so what no big deal, that was then and this is now and it was 5 years ago right? And hasn't God healed you, didn't He make all things new? Yes, yes He has and I am eternally grateful for this in my life. Here's the thing that we know from a knowledge prospective but can forget, the Devil is a lair and doesn't fight fair. How easily and quickly he will come in where I am weak and try and to whisper something that is not true (may even feel true) and try and mess with my emotions. I AM NOT CONTROLLED BY MY FEELINGS! As a great friend would tell me..."Tell him to go to Hell!" At times I lack the follow thru to fight. I sit in my pit when I know I should run and climb on out of it. Come on people I know I am not the only one here. How comfortable, how familiar to sit and moap instead of doing something about it. Man do I need a swift kick in my back side some days. Other days all I need in a hug.

Here is the other thing I have been starting to wrestle out with God....
More of a fun fact...I am a control freak. Anyone of my close friends would agree with this statement in a matter of fact kind of way. Not something I easily even admit as it means I have to not be so prideful and have to actually admit that I, said control freak, don't have control over my life. Oh the irony.

I plan, I measure out things in my life. I over think everything and analyze the silliest things. And as convenient and as much as I would like to excuse my poor habits and behavior by saying I had no control over my life growing up for so long...blah blah blah not good enough. Nope, no excuses, I Bernadette Miles am I major control freak in need of Jesus to take control.

Wow talk about not trusting! How the heck am I supposed to trust people, let alone God if I want everything laid out before me on my terms? I was talking recently to another close friend about corners, how God has gifted me with the ability to see things in other peoples lives. Sometimes I need to speak to these things and other times I need only keep my mouth shut, and pray in obedience to the Holy Spirit. Here's the funny thing (well more of a frustration to me) I can't see around some of the corners in my own life because God won't let me! I know it is because He wants to teach me and draw me closer to him. So as frustrating as it may be I need remind my flesh to sit down and not act like a 2 year old.

Did I mention that I have issues with control? (As a side thought I probably shouldn't continue to refer to myself as a control freak). I am not stating that I am dumb or spiritually blind in the common sense department when I say I can't see around some corners. What I am saying is that God doesn't give me what I want, He gives me what I need. I may feel like I need all the answers to my questions and I may feel like I don't need to wait on some things or be patient but that is not the case. What I need is to trust Him and allow him to gain control. Right now is when I have the opportunity to grow, to trust Him with every area of my life. To give up control, to give up trying to figure out everything and everyone. An't no body got time for dat! Let alone the grace to try and control every part of their life.

To some perhaps it seems like I am talking in circles. If not then let me assure you that you are not alone in how you may feel regarding giving up control over the things you know you should.

I have said and prayed it before but it is so worth repeating. I don't want what's easy, what's cheap & convenient. I want God, what's good, hard, difficult, great and everything else in between. All of Him for all of me. This looks like me letting Him deal with me. This looks like dealing with the darkness in me that would sooner attempt to consume and control me. Only in the last few months have I really realized some of the things I am talking about. I haven't been ready or willing to deal with them. I know it is not done yet and that the road I walk might look differently then I would like it to. I am a work in progress and need remind myself of that instead of becoming short tempered with my frustrations. Thank goodness God gives me what I need not what I want.

I can relate what I am attempting to describe as if there were 3 wars waging within me. It's like my left (critical thinking side) and right (creative side) brain are in conflict constantly and to make matters worse that my brain and my heart can't seem to just get along and figure things out. I guess this is when and where I step down and say I am not in control. I let God be God and submit to his covering in my life.

Rev. 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Ps. 47:8
God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne.

If you cut me would you feel it? Would it bleed deep or would you be standing there numb -JULY 5th

If you cut me would you feel it? Would it bleed deep or would you be standing there numb

So the question I have to ask is this:

Do I take the time to see people; like to really see them or do I act like they are invisible or don’t matter? In their brokenness with all of their faults, when it is not easy and things are really messy. Like I am talking about when they are not convenient and are a burden pain in the butt. Or what about when I prefer myself, my wants, my ambitions, my goals, my pride and to get to the point of it all, my root of selfishness over loving people. Yes, shame on me.

How often and how easy can it be to do this though, to communicate even with the people who are closest to us that we don’t value them or care about the things they care about? Here is what our messed up society says is acceptable, look out for #1 and that’s it. So this leads me to my next thought, where is our compassion for the lost if at times we struggle to extend ourselves to those nearest to us?

Jesus was moved with compassion. I will repeat that for some, I said MOVED! That means he got up and physically did something about it. Makes me think of so many of the accounts of His life where He was moved with compassion for people and responded to the mess that was their lives. Challenges my faith, and even my way of thinking. It means I have to stop and actually ask myself how often I am moved with compassion where it involves a reaction of more than feeling bad for someone in my heart. This is where I need to examine the motives of my heart. This is where I need to repent not only for my hard heart but to ask God to forgive a generation full of selfishness.

If we can’t prefer the people closest in our lives and show them compassion, how then will we be capable of reaching the people that we may even consider inconvenient and have an intolerance for? I don’t think it works this way at all. It’s dysfunctional, and brings a level of disorder and God is not a God of disorder.    

I think learning to love the people that we have in our lives (whether we actually like who they may be) is preschool grounds for being allowed and trusted with loving the rest of Gods people, the so called messy ones.

In our performance, perfectionism driven Christianity we can remotely mute that part about salvation. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God….I am therefore sure it says all of us are in need of His salvation and to that there is no acceptation. Let us not fall prey into a perfectionism driven mentality and forget that we are all sinners needing sanctification. I don’t have to like or not like someone to realize that they need God’s grace just as badly as I do.

Just think for a moment about Jesus and the sorts of people that He encountered, like seriously what if He had of been like hey you bum get up and get a job. I am just as guilty for thinking like this at times when instead the word of God instructs us to LOVE people and be moved with compassion for their lives. For the record I am not saying hey it is ok not to contribute to society. What I am stating is that Love in a biblical sense doesn’t look like what we think people should deserve or receive, but that’s what is so beautiful about it.

I also wasn’t born yesterday so what about instead of trying to give society a hand out what about a hand up to pick up their mats and walk. I was thinking and talking about this recently with a good friend. The concept of speaking and giving someone what they need instead of wanting the easy way out. This normally involves less risk on our behalf, costs us little or nothing, and doesn’t work to create long term change in the cycle of things. Let me leave you with this thought, let God challenge your thinking and not be so quick to judge and think about your opinion of someone. Try simply to stop, ask God what do you think about this person, how does He see them and what do they need? And don’t forget to show the people closer to you that you value them, if we can’t be trusted with this, how can God trust us with the unsaved?

WATCH ME AS I MOVE!

 

 

Constant, unending, unyielding, endless
Relentless, repeating

 

Two feelings, two moods

One lifestyle to choose
 
Be dictated, controlled, and
Moved by emotions and moods

Be governed, covered, and
Guided by Truth

Pull back, peel back, one
More layer

Take out the stitches, remove the band-aids,
Soften the bruise

Mud and clay, stoney places
Replaced with monuments built to last

Though it hurts again
I place my life into your hands

Pluck out the thorns,
Shards of glass

Going even deeper,
Sinking even quicker

Continue to move
Replacing my stone heart
Speak!

One more layer, another…

Flesh wound

But never another day
Gong to stand, run into it
Embracing life to the fullest

Watch me as I MOVE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snQQhszgSC8

Activate Your Faith!

 

Frustrated, Angry, and on edge….Yep those are the words that definitely could be used to describe how I felt tonight and how I have been feeling the last few weeks.

I am sure no one else has ever had this happen (Not…) but I felt pushed over said edge by something that in comparison to the other things in my life (the things that I have been processing and working through lately), well it was just silly to say the least. Oh how that dog Devil loves to try and mess with our heads when we aren’t necessarily thinking super clear or at our best.

So tonight I came home and when I felt at my worst I literally decided to run. My initial reaction to run was out of insecurity and frustration, then anger and then peace. Ok so I am somewhat confusing, yes I know this. When I was running I brought along my phone to listen to worship music. I normally will listen to one, maybe two songs over and over when I am frustrated or feeling stuck. It is usually a song that I feel is either speaking to my spirit, or speaking faith into my heart. The last two days I have found myself listening to the song My Soul Longs For You- Come Away by Jesus Culture and tonight I realized the words “You’ll come like the rain….and My Soul Longs For You are so prophetic over my life for the season I am in.

The words, “You’ll come like the rain” remind me of when we activate our faith for something that is unseen. We can see the signs; feel the coolness in the air, watch the clouds darken and roll over the valley, and eventually watch the rain pour down. Our faith in Christ is similar to this, we can see the signs that He is working and doing something behind the scenes (note that we often can miss this or only partially see it but I think it is so profound when we can feel it and know that it is there in our hearts even when we don’t “see” it in the physical and natural sense). We can feel the Holy Spirit moving, and we can certainly see the storm clouds come, and sometimes they pour.

It is not simply about seeing it. What I mean is not just seeing or observing something that is obvious but seeing past and through the obvious and seeing faith, believing for more than the rain. Believing for more than to just get through the storm. What does rain bring in the natural? It brings life, healing, growth, fruit; it works to produce something under the surface of what is seen, in a spiritual sense it works in us to activate our Faith and thus; in return stirs to produce HOPE for our own lives and for the lives of others.

So when I sing the words, “My soul longs for you, my soul longs for you, nothing else will do….I believe you will come like the rain, I believe you will come like the rain….” What I am really doing is engaging and activating my soul & heart to be aligned with what God is doing under the surface of my life and the lives of the people I love that I am standing in prayer for. I am petitioning the gates of heaven for what I know the rain will bring; growth, healing, fruit and even asking for better then what I think the rain can bring. In the process of it all I am stirring my faith and remaining hopeful.    

Like I had said I was running. As I ran- I ran in anger, I ran in frustration, I ran in confusion, and in the end I ran to my Heavenly Father, into his arms of comfort and peace. I don’t have all the answers to all the questions I may want answers for but I know that God will always come and meet me where I am at in a moment. I am thankful that He brings his Holy Spirit to rest peace upon me and that like many who have tried before me I cannot out run God.

Psalm 27: 13-14

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

When I write, when I sing, when I proclaim praises to my king my weary soul can find rest, it is as if time stops and the universe stands still. Nothing else seems to matter. It is just God and I and everything fades away, nothing matters, not the good and not the bad. This is where I find rest for my soul.

 

 

April, 23rd

Running, Pacing
All at a lose, not really knowing the cost
At the gate I stand
Open arms, that's how I ran
Here beneath my feet
Take the key and open up
Let the dawn break me free
Let the dawn break me free...
Blind eyes now can see
Never ending days ahead of me
Let me taste, Let me see
The goodness you give
When all falls apart, that's where and when
my life begins to start
The humming of my heart beat
The strum of heavens song amongst the sea
If only I am awake,
I wont miss this next great escape
The writing on stone tablets
A thousand soldiers fighting, cheering
for victory
I don't want a mountain top journey and a valley low
I want heaven and earth, all creation to know
When my soul flutters and my flesh starts to die
Worthless things drift away
and my foresight sets great across the sky
Nothing makes sense, nothing I know
Nothing until now,
now I know
Take me to the moon
Take me to the sea
Stand there, say something, say nothing
Hold my hand, hold me
Walk beside me in the midnight sand
To greatness I stand, to greatness I ran
Where I am wrapped in your arms
Safely and hidden in your wings
Something is stirring and I am not even certain where I will be....
This I am, this I know
Fully alive
Fully awake
I run this life to live