Relationship Status Update: Insert Public Notice This Valentine’s Day

Pagan roots, consumerism, and Hallmark. Let’s not even mention the 20 some odd billion dollars the US spends each year on this holiday? I do find it rather interesting that the word Hallmark refers to a mark or series of marks made on precious metals. Hallmark sure does use marketing to leave a mark or a series of impressions on consumers. Cheers Hallmark you sucked about $15 dollars out of my pocket on greeting cards, well played, well played indeed. Anyways that was my random spat that does not really relate to what I want to actually touch on in this post. I am however; wait for it, yes I will touch on the topic of Valentine’s Day or as some say Singles Awareness Day.

 

 

I was thinking about some things over the last week, knowing of course that Valentine’s Day is coming up and knowing that it may mean different things to different people. Single, dating or married I think you would have to have just crawled out from underneath a prehistoric rock to not know that February 14^th is Valentine’s Day. If you did not know about Valentine’s Day or don’t live in North America and thus were lucky enough to not be swept away by consumerism then maybe disregard reading this as I don’t want to ruin you!

 

Ok so we have established the fact that February 14^th is a day that we are made aware of whether we care, think we care, or know that we don’t really care about celebrating this holiday. It is interesting to me that even for myself with not really caring about this silly holiday that deep down I do still care. Let me explain what I mean. I know logically that Valentine’s Day is a money grab of a holiday where I am bombarded by marketers for weeks leading up to the day as they try and get my money for something I don’t really care about. I also know that I don’t need someone romantically in my life to complete me. Christ did the most romantic act to win my heart, He bleed and died on a cross for me, this is more than enough and no man will ever trump that. Sorry if I break some of your guys bubbles here but you won’t beat that one in any special Christian ladies life. If you think you have or will you may want to get over your God complex before getting into a relationship. My point about deep down still caring about this silly holiday…I still care because deep down my heart desires to be pursued, loved and in a marriage relationship with a man. The truth being this desire is not a bad thing or something to try and cover up or even run from. Although it all has to do with me and what I do with this desire. What I mean by this is that I am in control of my thought life and my emotions and therefore responsible for them. Which my emotions might sometimes spike off the charts and crash and burst into flames (guys Google sinking ship if you so desire a picture of what this looks like for us gals ) but I can discipline myself and be self-governed.

I can choose to read romantic books, watch romantic movies, think and dwell on romantic thoughts. I can even talk or listen to people or things that fill my brain and cloud my heart with unrealistic expectations of romance or the lies that come with some of these activities. Lies that say things like you will always be single, you’re too much, you’re not enough, you’re not really ok with being single, you’re not getting any younger, all your friends are married or in relationships and on and on the list goes. And on we go from feeling and being ok with our season of singleness (or even say being ok with being married or in a committed relationship to feeling insecure or unsure about it) to comparing ourselves with those around us and their relationship statuses, yes statuses (how easy it is to put our best foot forward online and look like life is picture perfect). Random thought here, I really dislike some of the fakeness that comes with social media. We are willing to post our perfect Kodak moments but we are not so quick to throw up a, “Had a temper tantrum and made an idiot of myself” status.  

 

 

Deep down I love to be loved, to be held and have a man’s presence of strength beside me, and in the future to be married and be a wife. My heart has wanted this and longed for this. This was once a dream that was stripped from me and had left me feeling like I would never want to even venture down a path where I could DREAM of being married again.

 

Scared, terrified, and unsure. No that is not how we should be feeling about our relationship status, holiday or not. This does not negate the fact of how we may feel about February 14^th but this is where truth can trump fear, and where we can say it is well with my soul regardless of how I feel and regardless of my season. My encouragement to my friends and readers is this, married, dating or single remember who you are pursing? Let it be God, build His Kingdom and he will build yours, surround yourself with people who are running in the same direction as you and will cheer you on even when you want to quit. Being singles does not mean there is anything wrong with you, let me remind you that you don’t have some rare disease. Love God and people deeply this February 14^th and remember at the end of the day it is just another day.

 

 

 

Pressure at Valentine’s Day!

Explain why you choose to be single still… The why aren't you married question?

I feel like it’s the best day in the world (celebrated anyways) LOVE! I choose love for my life and that makes all the difference in the world! I love my friends and family. I love creating things. I love my savior... I could go on and on about LOVE... And I know that God has great LOVE for me. As far as a demonstration of love... What chick doesn’t enjoy being thought of and treated special... That I do look forward to receiving more in the days to come...
 

 

Don’t just stand there already! Make me Blush & Barf Butterflies

What do you Struggle with the MOST around Valentine’s Day?

 

I struggle most with the hideous plush teddies that are out there…strawberry marshmallow hearts for the win people! COME ON NOW! Now those make my heart (and tummy) sing. But for real, for now I find myself buying my own heart shaped candy (because it's delicious) not because I'm some damsel in distress lying on the train tracks eating candy while I wait for a knight in shining armor riding a white horse that sings some Taylor Swift love song. Valentines though for me just feels overwhelming, the unwanted pressure or thoughts that society (and even friends) place on me that I'm not good enough if I don't have someone showing me affection romantically right NOW! Like whoa…feeling blindsided by these unwanted thoughts because I'm single and I feel good about it. I serve a God who loves me more than anyone ever possibly could…and therefore what that also means is that in HIS time, He will bring along that man that makes me blush and barf butterflies (and previously eaten cinnamon hearts and strawberry marshmallows) with a smile stretching from the Pacific to the Atlantic and my eyes shimmering like gold in the air of summer. You may think I'm crazy and believe me, if there's anyone who would agree with you there, it's me. A redeemed feminist and hater of love…I can accept that this is how God made me. A woman of God who wants a man of God to pursue me, to love me, and to be my fairytale ending. Not because some silly day called Valentines says so, but because God designed my heart, my thoughts, my feelings, he designed me and you know what, he even designed that ONE guy who's out there, somewhere…waiting for me too.

 

 

“Talks Too Much”, He said it not me… From a Male viewpoint, Do you feel pressure surrounding Valentine’s Day?   I was never caught up in Valentine’s Day while being in my long relationship. It wasn’t so much that I had something against the consumerism, more so that I didn’t think I needed a day on a calendar to tell me when to show love or be romantic. You might think that’s good, but it’s not. Now being single for some time, I’ve had a chance to put into perspective exactly how I feel God wants us to treat his daughters. Proverbs 31:10-12 “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” The woman God gave you is priceless. Spend the money God has given you on her. No, not just on a certain date, but take advantage of that certain date. Believe it’s romantic, or believe it’s a money grab, but I can tell you for certainty that no matter what she says of Valentine’s Day, she will love the gesture and she will feel cherished. If you have to set aside some money in advance to go all out, do it! Its money, she is the woman God graciously gave to you. Take every chance you can to make her feel priceless. Jesus did countless things for his church, but he still has those special days where he went all out. Say, the crucifixion, for example… 1 Corinthians 7:39 “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” Guys, she’s stuck with you… Either make it enjoyable, or die so she can find someone who will, because someone will. Proverbs 18:22 say that when you find your wife, you found a good thing and you obtained favor from the Lord. I know when I’m going to obtain something valuable I’m willing to go an extra mile. I know when I’m trying to obtain something that the creator of the universe says is priceless, I’m going to go EVERY extra mile. Make sure she feels beautiful and invaluable. That’s God’s daughter who has been put in your life. Treat her as so at EVERY opportunity. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”     College Bliss from this Little Miss… What is God teaching you in this season of your life? I think the first thing to say about this question is that, as in all of life, the things that I’m learning are more of a continuum of deeper levels of the same lesson than multiple different lessons. Ultimately, in every area of my life, it all comes down to trust for me. “This season”, I’m finding, is less about being single and more about being where I’m at – wherever that is – with grace and dignity. Absolutely, as a single woman, there is a necessity to remember again and again to trust God for my future husband and family. But as a young adult, the challenge that we all face is to trust God for our futures and for His will in our lives in every area – vocational, educational, and relational. So right now, one of the biggest things I’m learning is to lean in to what God is teaching me right now, because it will transcend the season that I’m in. That being said, two things stand out from the past two years as being specific markers in this process of learning to trust God. First, the concept from Oswald Chambers of ‘others may; I cannot’ - I used to think about this quote as a burden to be born but God totally turned it around on me just over a year ago. Consider this: in order to say yes to anything, I am saying no to other things. So although others may say yes to a relationship, I cannot and so I am free to say yes to other pursuits in my life that God has used and is using to shape me into the person I’m meant to be for Him. By asking me to abstain in the area of romance, God has freed me to focus on Him and on school – and as boring as that may sound to some, I feel unleashed! There are dreams in my heart that I can’t accomplish without excelling at education and grounding myself in the Lord; two things that I’ve been able to give myself to in the past two years, which leads me to my other revelation: I once heard the concept of being consecrated or set apart described as having one’s hands full of purpose. When your hands are full, there isn’t room for anything else, and when they’re full of purpose, there isn’t any mental room either. Right now I’m so grateful, because God has filled my hands with purpose and dreams and pursuits that leave me with no time to concern myself with “some day’s” and “maybe when’s”.   What do you find most challenging about your single season?   There are two things, I think, that can make being single difficult. One of these is valid, but should be dealt with in maturity; the other is a nasty trick of the enemy, who tries to rob people of their peace and contentment, and quite frankly I’m sick of having my time wasted by it! So first we have loneliness. I say that it’s valid because I know that I was made for companionship, and the desire to be in a relationship with a man  - where we can go for long walks and hold hands and talk about everything under the sun - is a healthy one. Maybe a bit romanticized in my feminine mind, but healthy none-the-less. Knowing that I don’t have that option right now can be tough, but I have to remember what I do have: I have a father who loves me and who is happy to take the place of Mr. Right until such a time as he comes along. I have a mother who, in many ways, is my best friend and someone that I can talk to about anything. I have a sister and brother-in-law who love me and are protective of me. I have amazing friends, some of whom have husbands that have become like brothers to me. I’m not starved of relationships, I’m just not in a romantic relationship right now and that’s OK. I have to deal with those moments of loneliness wisely though, because if I don’t, I am apt to compare myself with others who I don’t perceive to be lonely because they do have a man by their side. Comparison. That’s the second difficulty, and it makes me so angry because it tries to cut you off from your support systems by making your best friends your competitors. When I’ve given in to comparing my situation to that of other women that I know, it has only ever led to disruptions in valuable friendships and insecurity in myself. Invariably I end up pining after ‘just any’ relationship instead of waiting in anticipation of the right one. And I’m just going to say it – that’s the mentality of someone who’s going to settle. Even if I met the right man while thinking that way, and ended up marrying him, I would have settled and set myself up to be discontent. Why? Because in that mindset, I’m looking for someone to solve all my problems, and no man can do that. When I approach a relationship from a position of insecurity, I will never trust it. But when I approach it from vulnerability (but security in God) I will release my future husband to be the man that he was made to be. So all that being said, I don’t think I’m suffering as a single person. I’m learning and growing and some days I have better perspective than others, but I wouldn’t change my situation right now. When the time comes for dating and engagement and marital bless, I’ll jump in with both feet! Until then, I’m jumping in to my right now with both feet. So what am I doing this Valentine’s Day? I’m helping set up for the wedding of two of my dearest friends, and I couldn’t be more excited! After all, the holiday is about celebrating love and spending time with people you love – sounds exactly like what I’ll be doing. Valentine’s Day, Romance and Clogged Tubs...   1. I don't really believe there is ONE right one, until you marry them and then they are the right one, even if it feels like the wrong one. Post-altar is the wrong time to decide whether or not you made a mistake. God didn't give us free-will to take it away when it comes to this crucial decision. What if your ONE didn't think you were the ONE? What if the ONE, went and married someone else? This is all very confusing. My main point is here: don't go to every event thinking "Maybe I will meet the ONE". You may have met already, and you just don't see each other in that way yet. Or maybe it is not time yet. Either way, you could end up missing a lot of great memories looking for something that isn't there. 2. One thing I could never understand was when people would say "as soon as you are not looking, he will appear" or "as soon as you really surrender this issue, he will come".  Oh man! The hours I spent squeezing my eyes till I thought they would bleed trying to convince myself I didn't want to get married... what a waste of time.  OF COURSE I WANT TO GET MARRIED! Most of the promises for a woman's heart are tied up in relationship.  In my world marriage is important in the steps to a family. I wanted a husband to run through life with, and children to give my life to. What part of this should I deny? I think a more helpful statement (which could be what they meant) is to say: "As with everything in the kingdom, there is timing. Our timing vs. God's timing. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. In the meantime, become the best lover of God and his people that you can be. Be content, pour your heart out to the Lord and give your heart and your timeline to Him. Build His kingdom and He will build yours". 3. I think most people look for a formula that will assure them the most painless way possible to the altar.  This makes sense to me. Who wants to get hurt? Who wants to invest any time, energy and emotion into something that isn't going to work in the end? No one. This is where it gets hard. Sometimes relationships start and go like gangbusters and end up following a pattern that can seem desirable, even predictable. Let's say a couple starts dating in the summer, they get engaged by spring and they are married the following summer. There may be a few rough patches along the way, but overall it goes smoothly and they look as happy as any two people can be. This looks great! So, when another relationship starts, and it doesn't go that way, it can look wrong or maybe somehow the plan didn't work. Or, let's say, two very honourable people start a relationship and for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. It hurts, tears will fall, hearts will break, but This is not failure. It is painful yes, but in time, both parties will probably come to realize that they both need to be with someone who is CRAZY about them. When a heart is hurting, this is not the time to tell them that. But ended relationships can very well be an opening for a successful and beautiful relationship in the future. This may seem too obvious to say... but not every relationship goes to marriage. Not fun, but better to know before you get into it. 4. When you are looking for a spouse, what you need is a foundation of respect. Cute is great, beautiful...sure. Chemistry plays a part and friendship is important. Nothing replaces respect. Nothing. The best foundation for any relationship is respect. Looks come and go. Nice cars, abilities that make the heart swoon (like singing or being an eloquent speaker, wealth, etc...) are a bonus. But NOTHING compares with respecting the person you are sharing your life with. If you see flaws in character:  dishonesty, a hot temper, wandering eyes, rude behavior,  loose with private information, or a lack of common sense, I would say slow down, maybe even back out. Those things don't just go away. They can change in time, but if a relationship proceeds with the knowledge that these things exist, there is not any real incentive to change is there? 5. Work on you. Instead of focusing on what you can't have, think about what you can do. Get healthy, learn how to budget, volunteer, learn how to govern your emotions, grow deep in your faith, build meaningful, lifelong friends, find a deep belly laugh. I truly think the wrong thing to do is to sit on your proverbial thumbs, looking pretty, waiting for someone to ask you to dance. I suppose this one is typically for the girls, but let me echo Audrey Hepburn who said "Happy girls are the prettiest". Happy people make great marriage partners. People with purpose tend to be happy, you see the pattern here. 6. You will never hear me talking poorly about my husband. I think it is a wise choice.  However, it kind of gives the impression that things are never hard. Maybe it looks like we just dance on daisies and never have to figure out why the garbage isn't being taken out. This one is challenging. If a girl in a new relationship expects her boyfriend to treat them the way that Shawn treats me now, it will probably not turn out well. Shawn wouldn't have even passed that test. When we were dating, it was all so new for both of us. It was awkward and sloppy and did I mention...awkward? I was fearful on the best of days, terrified of rejection and so insecure. He was learning to carry my heart and he admitted many times feeling clumsy in it. We did argue, we had to figure each other out. We had long conversations looking for clarity and insight into each others souls. But we respected each other, we saw each other. We saw the potential in each other and as each month unfolded our respect grew. This was the soil that our relationship flourished in. I am happy to say that we have only grown in that since then. Having said all of that, I want to say that marriage was the venue that Shawn found his strength. He has changed so much as he has carried the burden of being a husband and a father. To expect that any young man who has not deeply known a woman within the marriage commitment and then had a chance to be a father, could keep up with that is totally unrealistic. We have survived challenges from within and from without: getting to know each other under the shadow of my mom having cancer, infertility, four kids in 2.5 years...shall I go on? This changes us. Women handle things differently than men. I heard a quote recently that went something like this: "A woman simply is, but a man must become" (Stephen Mansfields - Book of Manly Men pg. 34). Married men and fathers have become something amazing. These men know how to lean in when their woman is hurting, they know how to pick up the slack when she just can't, they work all day and still come home to play on the floor with the kids until dinnertime, they know their family and they know how to save the day, one day at a time. Those single guys around you have all of that inside of them. In the right setting, with the right mixture of humility and courage, they have every chance to be like those other great men that you admire.   http://keriharvey.blogspot.ca/2014/02/valentines-day-romance-and-clogged-tubs.html               :)