Umm No...

Lately my brain does not seem to have the capacity to really process any relationship thoughts.  Maybe this is a good thing? and perhaps a blessing? At times school projects and everything school or career related has had its toll on my personal life, to a point of emotional over load. 

Tonight as I was journaling my miss match of thoughts about school, exciting career opportunities, my family, and boy stuff, (yes I said boy stuff, I am a person with real thoughts and feelings so don’t try and kid yourself here) I was faced with a thought that I had to explore further.

It was a confusing and somewhat sorrowing thought and I was confronted with two decisions; one I could choose to live in denial of this thought or bring the truth of God into it and ask him to examine my heart.  My thought, well it is more of a question, is maybe I don’t want a relationship? Like maybe I am really okay with being single for the rest of my life?  To give some life history I have to say I have been in some really dysfunctional relationships with men and I had been deeply hurt by one in particular in the past. 

A part of me says I am ok, like I am ok with being alone but then another part of me says no I want someone to one day share the rest of my life with.  Confusing yes I know it is.  I am so sure, so certain of what I want in every other avenue of my life other than this.  I feel out of sorts in this aspect of my life.   I am honestly okay with this single season of my life but let me say that takes work, it takes trusting God and really submitting every part of my life to him.  To all my single friends out there I want to encourage you that rushing into a relationship and then experiencing the sting of heart break will never outweigh the wait in your single season.  Yes I have said this before and yes you will hear me continually mention it, just to make sure you get the point (that is how much love I have for you).

Here is the truth of the matter though I am tired of saying maybe I am ok with being alone. I am tired of accepting a lie that I can’t have something that deep down I really do want.  I can and will one day in Gods timing having a Godly husband and a Godly marriage.  By not accepting this lie I am not saying I take up my own will and deny the cross of Christ, and therefore throw away logic and caution.  I am simply instead saying it is ok, to say ok to that lost dream for my life.

You see my fear, my insecurity is that if I admit that I actually want this for my life then I can’t have it.  Of course I know in theory that is not at all true, but I have to continue to allow Gods love into my fears and insecurities so he can assure me that is ok to dream for my future marriage.  My thoughts tonight were maybe I can’t have this for my life, or maybe the answer is just no.  However that is not true, what is true is NO I can and NO I won’t give in to how I feel when I hit a moment like the one I had tonight. 

I can’t live my life in a bubble dome of dysfunctional comfort; I must live in reality, where sometimes I will get hurt.  This is where the adventure of my life calls me and draws me into something beautiful and magical.  Here I choose to say NO to fear and comfort and YES to the adventure God has for me.

 

So when you find yourself feeling like your dream won’t come to pass do this...say NO to what you know is not right or true.  I hope you too can feel captivated to run, to hope for and dream of the adventure of your lifetime. 

Psalm 16:2

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing”.

Psalm 34:10

The lions grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the lord lack no good thing.

 

Psalm 84:11

For the lord God is a sun and shield; the lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

 

My 2012 Year

My 2012 Year

Looking back on this past year makes me feel slightly unbalanced in my emotions, but perhaps some context is needed to clearly explain why. 

There have been those days when I couldn’t stop smiling, laughing, dancing and enjoying every minute soaking in life as it comes my way, but there have been those other days.  Days where my heart has felt heavy, like it is going to break or when the motivation to live my life to the fullest has become a shadow of my previous days.  On these days I find it helpful to reflect on what God did to get me through the last rocky day or situation.  I choose to activate my faith, and even when I feel like I don’t have any I join arms with those around me.  As a good friend of mine often says to do, “Speak a better word” over my life and the lives of those around me.  God’s word often speaks of newness, new beginnings and new life and this last year has been that in so many ways and I know 2013 will be that and much more.

When it comes to looking back on this year I could recall all the tough moments but instead I want to look at my highlights and the times when God took what was meant for evil and turned it into something good.  So here are a few highlights and the many things I am thankful for;

-The birth of my beautiful niece Arianna (there is quite the story there)

-My friend Alexis’s healing from cancer (I am grateful for Gods healing hand over this 18 year old girl’s life and I know he is going to use her to do great things for his kingdom.  She is a little fire ball to say the least)

-Getting my license, my own car and overcoming my fears about driving

-Living in an awesome house with 2 of my best friends and another one just downstairs

-Starting school and dreaming of how this is going to play out in my future

-Learning to dream BIG and not hold back-it is me that keeps me from where God has called me, nothing else

-Learning to really see people, not where they are in their stories or even who they are, but see them as God sees them.  I want to continue to love people more in this next year and my heart is to help them grow in Christ

-Getting to work with youth, to speak into their lives, watch them grow in Christ and encourage them through the different seasons they walk through

-New FRIENDS! (and of course old friends) I love making new friends and the one on one God moments I have had with so many people this year has been breath taking

-My job, it pays really well and it has been a blessing to me financially

-My family and friends, I love them all very much

-My health and the freedom I have as a Canadian citizen

-My church and my local community

-Travelling to L.A and San Francisco to visit a friend from bible school, and surprising another friend with the trip to go there

There are so many highlights and it is hard to list them all at once but those are some of them.  To sum up my year I would say it consisted of; random adventures, trips, visits, late night snacks and stays with friends, walks, art, writing, poems, painting/ drawing, good food, laughing, dancing, crying tears of joy and sorrow, praying BOLD and seemingly impossible prayers, walking through the fire, learning to dance in the rain and be content in whatever season God has me in, divine appointments, prophetic moments and powerful times of worship, relationships with people and a deeper revelation of God’s love as well as a deepening of my relationship with him, the breaking of strongholds in my life and the lives of those around me, the piercing of my heart for the plans and purposes of God, receiving mercy and extending grace to others, serving with what is in my pocket, looking at the future but not missing out on my present, not letting my past define me, running and not growing weary, letting go and trusting God, being patient, being impatient, forgiving and being forgiven, rebuilding relationship with my family, making room- what is inconvenient for me but required to see the holiness of God in my life, being generous and kind, wanting to do a lot but being reminded I am not a human doing but a human being, trips to Vancouver, Edmonton, Vancouver Island and many other places, working hard, playing, and lastly learning to be who God has designed and called me to be; passionate and fully alive, full of wonder and adventure.  That is my attempt to sum up my 2012 year and yes it is done very randomly but that’s ok with me.   

For this next year there is only one thing I am sure of, that it will be great because God is in it.  Other than that I am not entirely sure where he will led me.  There are many things I want to do and desires that are on my heart but I will leave it up to my heavenly father to fulfill them in the right time.  I challenge you to go and not do more but to LOVE MUCH BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN MUCH.  If I could only accomplish that and nothing else on my “to do” list I know this next year would be blessed.  I leave you with a verse that has been on my heart today as I have been reflecting about the past and what the future holds.

Proverbs 2:7-11 NIV

He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

Profile Intro

I wrote the following in the spring of 2010 and wanted to use it as a blog intro, but apparently I am too long winded for a 1200 character intro.  So instead of looking for an intro to read on my profile this is what you get, hope you enjoy:)

 

I know that everyone has a story to tell, and that we all have to different decrees experienced hardships and trials in our lives.  As I tell my story my desire is that you would not see my pain but the hope that Jesus has placed in me.

I grew up in a non-Christian home, and my family tried to love me to the best they knew how to.  My parents separated when I was 13 and later divorced.  Around this same time I started to cut myself, party, and I had begun to search for love in immoral relationships.  I desperately wanted to escape my emotional pains, but I didn’t know what to do.  As a result I ended up taking razor blades to my arms as I tried to control the pain in my life.  I struggled to find where I would fit in as I tried to balance my home life and my personal life.  Being 17, I was naively determined to be independent and freely live my life how I wanted, so I moved out on my own.  I thought that being independent and living my life how I wanted would free me from the pain of my childhood but it didn’t.  I soon found myself dating from guy to guy and each time thinking the next relationship would be different.  I was searching to fill the deep ache of hurt in my heart and I did what I believed I had to do in order to feel loved.  I fell into the lie that many young women and men are told.  Society tries to tell us that it is okay if it feels good, well it is not okay.  I had given piece after piece of my heart away because of believing this lie.  Eventually all I was left with were sharp and broken pieces.  I began to wonder who would want these broken pieces anyways?

When I was 19 I became a Christian and shortly after started attending church.  And even though I accepted Christ into my life I still wasn’t willing to lay down my life and follow him.  My heart was torn as I wanted to have relationship with God but on my terms not his.  In 2008 the struggle between what God had for my life and what I wanted instead had ended.  I didn’t surrender what I desired or ask God what his plans were for my life.  In July of that same year I was married and 11 months later the castle I had made out of sand was washed away.  It was easier to pretend like nothing was wrong until I watched the jenga pieces of my life come crashing down in front of me.  I saw my marriage fall apart and acted like everything was fine but I was dying on the inside.  I lived my life feeling hopeless as I watched my husband struggle with alcohol and cocaine addictions.  When it was all over I stood at a cross road; I could acknowledge the pain of my husbands unfaithfulness in our marriage and really allow God into my life, or continue to try and run from the Lord.  All my life I had made choices based on feelings and now I was left feeling numb and confused.

In June of 2009 I separated from my husband and moved in with close friends.  During this time God began to deal with the façade I had put on in my life and I felt him speaking to me about attending the Master’s Commission.  As I started to look at where my life had gone, well honestly it was often over whelming. 
 

In my brokenness Jesus came to me, he met me where I was at.  He came into my life to bring healing and restore me to him just like he had done with the woman at the well.  I now truly know that Christ went to the cross to intercede for me before the Father, and in his hands he holds the keys of life and death.  Before this year I really didn’t know what good things God had for me until I began to trust him.  Once I choose to pick up the keys he so graciously wanted to give me, this is when I was able to walk through his door of mercy. 

God has done amazing things in my life this year.  He has given me true joy, and his boldness and courage are now in my heart.  He has awakened in my spirit a burden for those who are broken hearted and oppressed.  Now I can look at people and not be fearful of their eyes.  I no longer wonder if they can see the shame I was not meant to carry with me.  I know that when people look at me that Jesus is shinning through me.

I have learned a lot of great things this year and God has opened my eyes to see everything he has done for me.  One thing that stands out to me from being in MC was when Pastor Jim Anderson came to speak to our class.  He spoke openly and honestly about the spiritual assault that is against youth and young people in our communities.  He told us a story about a Russian woman he had met who had been abused by her husband.  I remember Pastor Jim saying that although in the end she did not receive her husband back she did receive restoration from God for her own life.  As I have wept over my own marriage God has been writing my story of restoration.  I now can see myself as God sees me and not as the world tries to label me.
 

Some scripture that has been comforting to me is in Isaiah 54:4-7 “Do not be afraid: you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband- the Lord Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your redeemer, he is called the God of all the earth.  The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected” says your God, “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back”
 

Gods loving hand of compassion reached out to me in the midst of my loneliness and brokenness.  What I did to receive it was to except it.  I pray that God would awaken in you just how much he loves you, and that you would walk though his door of mercy and grace for your own life.