Profile Intro

I wrote the following in the spring of 2010 and wanted to use it as a blog intro, but apparently I am too long winded for a 1200 character intro.  So instead of looking for an intro to read on my profile this is what you get, hope you enjoy:)

 

I know that everyone has a story to tell, and that we all have to different decrees experienced hardships and trials in our lives.  As I tell my story my desire is that you would not see my pain but the hope that Jesus has placed in me.

I grew up in a non-Christian home, and my family tried to love me to the best they knew how to.  My parents separated when I was 13 and later divorced.  Around this same time I started to cut myself, party, and I had begun to search for love in immoral relationships.  I desperately wanted to escape my emotional pains, but I didn’t know what to do.  As a result I ended up taking razor blades to my arms as I tried to control the pain in my life.  I struggled to find where I would fit in as I tried to balance my home life and my personal life.  Being 17, I was naively determined to be independent and freely live my life how I wanted, so I moved out on my own.  I thought that being independent and living my life how I wanted would free me from the pain of my childhood but it didn’t.  I soon found myself dating from guy to guy and each time thinking the next relationship would be different.  I was searching to fill the deep ache of hurt in my heart and I did what I believed I had to do in order to feel loved.  I fell into the lie that many young women and men are told.  Society tries to tell us that it is okay if it feels good, well it is not okay.  I had given piece after piece of my heart away because of believing this lie.  Eventually all I was left with were sharp and broken pieces.  I began to wonder who would want these broken pieces anyways?

When I was 19 I became a Christian and shortly after started attending church.  And even though I accepted Christ into my life I still wasn’t willing to lay down my life and follow him.  My heart was torn as I wanted to have relationship with God but on my terms not his.  In 2008 the struggle between what God had for my life and what I wanted instead had ended.  I didn’t surrender what I desired or ask God what his plans were for my life.  In July of that same year I was married and 11 months later the castle I had made out of sand was washed away.  It was easier to pretend like nothing was wrong until I watched the jenga pieces of my life come crashing down in front of me.  I saw my marriage fall apart and acted like everything was fine but I was dying on the inside.  I lived my life feeling hopeless as I watched my husband struggle with alcohol and cocaine addictions.  When it was all over I stood at a cross road; I could acknowledge the pain of my husbands unfaithfulness in our marriage and really allow God into my life, or continue to try and run from the Lord.  All my life I had made choices based on feelings and now I was left feeling numb and confused.

In June of 2009 I separated from my husband and moved in with close friends.  During this time God began to deal with the façade I had put on in my life and I felt him speaking to me about attending the Master’s Commission.  As I started to look at where my life had gone, well honestly it was often over whelming. 
 

In my brokenness Jesus came to me, he met me where I was at.  He came into my life to bring healing and restore me to him just like he had done with the woman at the well.  I now truly know that Christ went to the cross to intercede for me before the Father, and in his hands he holds the keys of life and death.  Before this year I really didn’t know what good things God had for me until I began to trust him.  Once I choose to pick up the keys he so graciously wanted to give me, this is when I was able to walk through his door of mercy. 

God has done amazing things in my life this year.  He has given me true joy, and his boldness and courage are now in my heart.  He has awakened in my spirit a burden for those who are broken hearted and oppressed.  Now I can look at people and not be fearful of their eyes.  I no longer wonder if they can see the shame I was not meant to carry with me.  I know that when people look at me that Jesus is shinning through me.

I have learned a lot of great things this year and God has opened my eyes to see everything he has done for me.  One thing that stands out to me from being in MC was when Pastor Jim Anderson came to speak to our class.  He spoke openly and honestly about the spiritual assault that is against youth and young people in our communities.  He told us a story about a Russian woman he had met who had been abused by her husband.  I remember Pastor Jim saying that although in the end she did not receive her husband back she did receive restoration from God for her own life.  As I have wept over my own marriage God has been writing my story of restoration.  I now can see myself as God sees me and not as the world tries to label me.
 

Some scripture that has been comforting to me is in Isaiah 54:4-7 “Do not be afraid: you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband- the Lord Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your redeemer, he is called the God of all the earth.  The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected” says your God, “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back”
 

Gods loving hand of compassion reached out to me in the midst of my loneliness and brokenness.  What I did to receive it was to except it.  I pray that God would awaken in you just how much he loves you, and that you would walk though his door of mercy and grace for your own life.