Moments

There are those moments that take your breath away and there are those moments that leave you swept away….

I have decided to let these moments in my life mold me; some have come with a high cost, but I wouldn’t change my story.  It is simple, it is complex, it is mine and that in itself is beautiful and unique.

I have been walking through a new season in my life in the last year, and as always it is a never ending cycle of learning.  Learning where I fit and what things should look like in my life as I go through the refiner’s fire.  There is a lot I have to learn but there is also I lot I have to offer.  I don’t want to float along living for all the wrong reasons and missing the point of why we were put here on earth.  I want to make sure that I offer to share the hard lessons I have learnt along the way.  When you choose to learn things the hard way you can be sure that you remember those life lessons.  At least for myself I can say that I will remember them well.

Sometimes when we walk through hard circumstances and endure painful heart break we try to run, we attempt to rush the journey.  It is fair to say that no one enjoys heart ache, but it is also fair to say that we go through what we go through, and almost miss what it is that we went through.   

There have been moments in my life where all I could pray, or even ask for was to die.  My automatic response used to be to lay down and wish that this were true, or to try and escape with painful relief.  It seems totally irrational to even fathom it now, but this is now and that was then.  God’s grace on my life has been just that, unearned and undeserved mercy from where I was to where I am now. 

So where was I? 

I was that girl who couldn’t look you in the eye.  You might know her well, you might even be who I used to be.  Fearful, insecure, unable to trust, unable to out run the darkness in my heart, unable to overcome and certainly unable to forget.  What was I trying to forget?  the painful whisper of unresolved memories of my heart break.  You know that time he left, that time he lied, that time that thing happened that left you standing speechless and feeling so alone?  Think about what you might be trying to forget and then you will know exactly what it is that I am suggesting to relay.

Shattered is how I felt when I stood and realized I was making a façade of my own life.  I hadn’t been living in reality and thus denial had become such a cold and familiar friend.  It seemed impossible to even try and look at my lukewarm life.  However when I finally lifted my head to the heavens the fog began to clear enough for me to start to see what it was that I was missing for so long.  I was missing the fact that I just could not see!   I couldn’t see that I couldn’t see.  Sounds ridiculous, yes I know. 

My life had become an attempt of a perpetual and generational cycle of divorce.  It is said that history will repeat itself.  The story of my greatest heart break would be an example of my family’s history surfacing in my life.  I was a lonely, broken person looking for something to fill the deep void in my heart.  What did I find?  I sought out someone else who was on a quest for the same thing I was looking for: love.  You can’t take two broken pieces of something, make it whole and have it function how God intended it to.  With that in mind I married for all the wrong reasons and so did he.  Add in betrayal, drug addiction and my own many imperfections and we created a ticking time bomb of explosive hurt.  Someone wise has told me, “Hurt people; hurt people.  Healed people; heal people.  I used to be one of these hurt people.  I for sure have hurt a lot of people and have been on the receiving side as well.  I said I used to be because my heart has been healed.  I have not arrived, I am not perfect but I know without a doubt that my heart is free.  I am free from the pain of my yesterday, labels and memories no longer define me.  I choose to allow a loving God to define me.  I chose to allow my Father in heaven to separate my heart from my history.