“Talks Too Much”, He said it not me…
From a Male viewpoint, Do you feel pressure surrounding
Valentine’s Day?
I was never caught up in Valentine’s Day
while being in my long relationship. It wasn’t so much that I had something
against the consumerism, more so that I didn’t think I needed a day on a
calendar to tell me when to show love or be romantic. You might think that’s
good, but it’s not. Now being single for some time, I’ve had a chance to put
into perspective exactly how I feel God wants us to treat his daughters.
Proverbs 31:10-12 “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious
than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack
of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” The
woman God gave you is priceless. Spend the money God has given you on her.
No, not just on a certain date, but take advantage of that certain date.
Believe it’s romantic, or believe it’s a money grab, but I can tell you for
certainty that no matter what she says of Valentine’s Day, she will love the
gesture and she will feel cherished. If you have to set aside some money in
advance to go all out, do it! Its money, she is the woman God graciously gave
to you. Take every chance you can to make her feel priceless. Jesus did
countless things for his church, but he still has those special days where he
went all out. Say, the crucifixion, for example… 1 Corinthians 7:39 “A wife
is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is
free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” Guys, she’s stuck
with you… Either make it enjoyable, or die so she can find someone who will,
because someone will. Proverbs 18:22 say that when you find your wife, you
found a good thing and you obtained favor from the Lord. I know when I’m
going to obtain something valuable I’m willing to go an extra mile. I know
when I’m trying to obtain something that the creator of the universe says is
priceless, I’m going to go EVERY extra mile. Make sure she feels beautiful
and invaluable. That’s God’s daughter who has been put in your life. Treat
her as so at EVERY opportunity. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
College Bliss from this Little Miss…
What
is God teaching you in this season of your life?
I think the first thing to say about this
question is that, as in all of life, the things that I’m learning are more of
a continuum of deeper levels of the same lesson than multiple different
lessons. Ultimately, in every area of my life, it all comes down to trust for
me. “This season”, I’m finding, is less about being single and more about
being where I’m at – wherever that is – with grace and dignity. Absolutely,
as a single woman, there is a necessity to remember again and again to trust
God for my future husband and family. But as a young adult, the challenge
that we all face is to trust God for our futures and for His will in our
lives in every area – vocational, educational, and relational. So right now,
one of the biggest things I’m learning is to lean in to what God is teaching
me right now, because it will transcend the season that I’m in.
That being said, two things stand out from the
past two years as being specific markers in this process of learning to trust
God. First, the concept from Oswald Chambers of ‘others may; I cannot’ - I
used to think about this quote as a burden to be born but God totally turned
it around on me just over a year ago. Consider this: in order to say yes to
anything, I am saying no to other things. So although others may say yes to a
relationship, I cannot and so I am free to say yes to other pursuits in my
life that God has used and is using to shape me into the person I’m meant to
be for Him. By asking me to abstain in the area of romance, God has freed me
to focus on Him and on school – and as boring as that may sound to some, I
feel unleashed!
There are dreams in my heart that I can’t accomplish
without excelling at education and grounding myself in the Lord; two things that
I’ve been able to give myself to in the past two years, which leads me to my
other revelation: I once heard the concept of being consecrated or set apart
described as having one’s hands full of purpose. When your hands are full,
there isn’t room for anything else, and when they’re full of purpose, there
isn’t any mental room either. Right now I’m so grateful, because God has
filled my hands with purpose and dreams and pursuits that leave me with no
time to concern myself with “some day’s” and “maybe when’s”.
What
do you find most challenging about your single season?
There are two things, I think, that can make
being single difficult. One of these is valid, but should be dealt with in
maturity; the other is a nasty trick of the enemy, who tries to rob people of
their peace and contentment, and quite frankly I’m sick of having my time
wasted by it!
So first we have loneliness. I say that it’s
valid because I know that I was made for companionship, and the desire to be
in a relationship with a man - where we
can go for long walks and hold hands and talk about everything under the sun
- is a healthy one. Maybe a bit romanticized in my feminine mind, but healthy
none-the-less. Knowing that I don’t have that option right now can be tough,
but I have to remember what I do have: I have a father who loves me and who
is happy to take the place of Mr. Right until such a time as he comes along.
I have a mother who, in many ways, is my best friend and someone that I can
talk to about anything. I have a sister and brother-in-law who love me and
are protective of me. I have amazing friends, some of whom have husbands that
have become like brothers to me. I’m not starved of relationships, I’m just
not in a romantic relationship right now and that’s OK. I have to deal with
those moments of loneliness wisely though, because if I don’t, I am apt to
compare myself with others who I don’t perceive to be lonely because they do
have a man by their side.
Comparison. That’s the second difficulty, and
it makes me so angry because it tries to cut you off from your support
systems by making your best friends your competitors. When I’ve given in to
comparing my situation to that of other women that I know, it has only ever
led to disruptions in valuable friendships and insecurity in myself.
Invariably I end up pining after ‘just any’ relationship instead of waiting
in anticipation of the right one. And I’m just going to say it – that’s the
mentality of someone who’s going to settle. Even if I met the right man while
thinking that way, and ended up marrying him, I would have settled and set
myself up to be discontent. Why? Because in that mindset, I’m looking for
someone to solve all my problems, and no man can do that. When I approach a
relationship from a position of insecurity, I will never trust it. But when I
approach it from vulnerability (but security in God) I will release my future
husband to be the man that he was made to be.
So all that being said, I don’t think I’m
suffering as a single person. I’m learning and growing and some days I have
better perspective than others, but I wouldn’t change my situation right now.
When the time comes for dating and engagement and marital bless, I’ll jump in
with both feet! Until then, I’m jumping in to my right now with both feet. So
what am I doing this Valentine’s Day? I’m helping set up for the wedding of
two of my dearest friends, and I couldn’t be more excited! After all, the
holiday is about celebrating love and spending time with people you love –
sounds exactly like what I’ll be doing.
Valentine’s Day, Romance and Clogged
Tubs...
1. I don't really believe there is ONE right
one, until you marry them and then they are the right one, even if it feels
like the wrong one. Post-altar is the wrong time to decide whether or not you
made a mistake. God didn't give us free-will to take it away when it comes to
this crucial decision. What if your ONE didn't think you were the ONE? What if
the ONE, went and married someone else? This is all very confusing. My main
point is here: don't go to every event thinking "Maybe I will meet the
ONE". You may have met already, and you just don't see each other in that
way yet. Or maybe it is not time yet. Either way, you could end up missing a
lot of great memories looking for something that isn't there.
2. One thing I could never understand was when people would say "as soon
as you are not looking, he will appear" or "as soon as you really
surrender this issue, he will come". Oh man! The hours I spent
squeezing my eyes till I thought they would bleed trying to convince myself I
didn't want to get married... what a waste of time. OF COURSE I WANT TO
GET MARRIED! Most of the promises for a woman's heart are tied up in
relationship. In my world marriage is important in the steps to a family.
I wanted a husband to run through life with, and children to give my life to.
What part of this should I deny? I think a more helpful statement (which could
be what they meant) is to say: "As with everything in the kingdom, there
is timing. Our timing vs. God's timing. Anything worth having is worth waiting
for. In the meantime, become the best lover of God and his people that you can
be. Be content, pour your heart out to the Lord and give your heart and your
timeline to Him. Build His kingdom and He will build yours".
3. I think most people look for a formula that will assure them the most
painless way possible to the altar. This makes sense to me. Who wants to
get hurt? Who wants to invest any time, energy and emotion into something that
isn't going to work in the end? No one. This is where it gets hard. Sometimes
relationships start and go like gangbusters and end up following a pattern that
can seem desirable, even predictable. Let's say a couple starts dating in the
summer, they get engaged by spring and they are married the following summer.
There may be a few rough patches along the way, but overall it goes smoothly
and they look as happy as any two people can be. This looks great! So, when
another relationship starts, and it doesn't go that way, it can look wrong or
maybe somehow the plan didn't work. Or, let's say, two very honourable people
start a relationship and for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. It hurts,
tears will fall, hearts will break, but This is not failure. It is painful
yes, but in time, both parties will probably come to realize that they both
need to be with someone who is CRAZY about them. When a heart is hurting, this
is not the time to tell them that. But ended relationships can very well be an
opening for a successful and beautiful relationship in the future.
This may seem too obvious to say... but not every relationship goes to
marriage. Not fun, but better to know before you get into it.
4. When you are looking for a spouse, what you need is a foundation of respect.
Cute is great, beautiful...sure. Chemistry plays a part and friendship is
important. Nothing replaces respect. Nothing. The best foundation for any
relationship is respect. Looks come and go. Nice cars, abilities that make the
heart swoon (like singing or being an eloquent speaker, wealth, etc...) are a
bonus. But NOTHING compares with respecting the person you are sharing your
life with. If you see flaws in character: dishonesty, a hot temper,
wandering eyes, rude behavior, loose with private information, or a lack
of common sense, I would say slow down, maybe even back out. Those things don't
just go away. They can change in time, but if a relationship proceeds with the
knowledge that these things exist, there is not any real incentive to change is
there?
5. Work on you. Instead of focusing on what you can't have, think about what
you can do. Get healthy, learn how to budget, volunteer, learn how to govern
your emotions, grow deep in your faith, build meaningful, lifelong friends,
find a deep belly laugh. I truly think the wrong thing to do is to sit on your
proverbial thumbs, looking pretty, waiting for someone to ask you to dance. I
suppose this one is typically for the girls, but let me echo Audrey Hepburn who
said "Happy girls are the prettiest". Happy people make great
marriage partners. People with purpose tend to be happy, you see the pattern here.
6. You will never hear me talking poorly about my husband. I think it is a wise
choice. However, it kind of gives the impression that things are never
hard. Maybe it looks like we just dance on daisies and never have to figure out
why the garbage isn't being taken out. This one is challenging. If a girl in a
new relationship expects her boyfriend to treat them the way that Shawn treats
me now, it will probably not turn out well. Shawn wouldn't have even passed
that test. When we were dating, it was all so new for both of us. It was
awkward and sloppy and did I mention...awkward?
I was fearful on the best of days, terrified of rejection and so insecure. He
was learning to carry my heart and he admitted many times feeling clumsy in it.
We did argue, we had to figure each other out. We had long conversations
looking for clarity and insight into each others souls. But we respected each
other, we saw each other. We saw the potential in each other and as each
month unfolded our respect grew. This was the soil that our relationship
flourished in. I am happy to say that we have only grown in that since then.
Having said all of that, I want to say that
marriage was the venue that Shawn found his strength. He has changed so much as
he has carried the burden of being a husband and a father. To expect that any
young man who has not deeply known a woman within the marriage commitment and
then had a chance to be a father, could keep up with that is totally
unrealistic. We have survived challenges from within and from without: getting
to know each other under the shadow of my mom having cancer, infertility, four
kids in 2.5 years...shall I go on? This changes us. Women handle things
differently than men. I heard a quote recently that went something like this:
"A woman simply is, but a man must become"
(Stephen Mansfields - Book of Manly Men pg. 34).
Married men and
fathers have become something amazing. These men know how to lean in
when their woman is hurting, they know how to pick up the slack when she just
can't, they work all day and still come home to play on the floor with the kids
until dinnertime, they know their family and they know how to save the
day, one day at a time. Those single guys around you have all of that inside of
them. In the right setting, with the right mixture of humility and courage,
they have every chance to be like those other great men that you admire.
:)
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